Thursday, February 4, 2016


I've been a "mom" or "mother figure" for a really long time. I'd say, almost my entire life. When you grow up in a large family and you naturally take on mom-like responsibilities at a young age because it's always about the #familywin and not about the #melife. This naturally made me really good with kids and I was the sought after babysitter in every neighborhood I ever lived in. There were times that people would move away and still drive to come pick me up because I was the only one who could take care of their kids in all their glory.

Obviously, I love kids. I always have. I always knew I would grow up and be a great mom and that is what I wanted for myself, my future husband, my family, etc. Then, in high school I was told that was not likely going to be the future for me. As I got older, the doom and gloom of my body not being able to produce a child became more clear and devastating. Every year I would ask the same questions of my doctors and every year they would run tests and follow that up with the dark phone calls that shared the results.

At some point I gave up on the idea of ever creating a baby of my own and just focused on the idea of adopting a child. I still did not want to give up on the idea of chasing that #momlife but I knew that I couldn't keep chasing after that idea that I could bare my own child some day. This concept was a huge struggle for me for a very long time. I hated God for taking this from me and I didn't understand why he would give me such a long and perseverance for a dream when it was not going to granted to me.

I never questioned my faith or my knowledge of God's ability to perform miracles. What I did do though was became complacent with my body and what it could and could not do. I just accepted this idea and never thought for a minute that I would have another life.

Then I met the man of my dreams and the girls of my #momlife desires. I know that sounds crazy and most people would think I am crazy because I jumped into this #starterfamily the way I did, but it was perfect for me. He was perfect. They were perfect. So much love poured out of my heart and I could not imagine life any other way than with them. We became a family and though it is unique, different, crazy, stressful, hectic and much more it's also loving, joyful, exciting, fun, peaceful...

I had some crazy medical stuff come up and was basically told - this is it... if you want to even try to have a child ... then it's now or never. Eric and I talked for a long time about it and we both had a longing for that addition to our family. We decided to go for it. We spent months meeting with doctors, I got poked and prodded time after time and loaded up with hormones. Nothing worked. Everything became drab, dark, and devastating all over again. The doctors had given us this hope and as we ran toward the light it seemed to be dimming.

Feeling absolutely helpless at this point, I remember getting a text from my dad. I know, if you know him then you know he is a strong foundation. A man that stands strong in the word of God and hears him when he speaks... On 1/29/2015 he sent me a text that read...

Something changes that day. I read and re-read Hannah's story. I prayed and prayed every day. I prayed not for a baby, but I prayed for healing of my body, my heart, my mind. I prayed for my husband and our daughters. I prayed for our family as it was and as it would be - whatever God had in store for us. It was hard and humbling but I did it. 

I'm not sure if it was the struggle of Hannah that brought me back to life - if it was marrying the man of my dreams - if it was having two beautiful daughters in my life that I call my own even though I didn't birth them. I have no idea what regenerated this crazy love and longing for that #momlife that I had always dreamed of... but it came to me and I ran with it.

I have images, scans, ultrasounds, dr reports that say this is all impossible, but NOTHING is impossible when you have an UNSTOPPABLE God. Because what I and many others prayed for happened. My body was healed. From test to test, the doctors basically couldn't believe their eyes. What they said could never happened, happened. Drs questioned whether the images they were seeing were actual images, whether they were timed and dated correctly, whether they all belonged to me... But they did.

And now I sit here typing, 37 weeks pregnant. What a miracle. I have seen God work miracles over and over in my life and in the lives of people around me and I don't care what anyone ever says - I am in awe and always will be. I put my faith in that.

I know that there are a lot of moms out there that talk all the time about the sacrifices they made to be a mom, the life they gave up or the life they wished they could live...

What does my mom life look like?
I cut my salary in half to be closer for my family and give my girls opportunities they didn't have before. I traded in my vehicle to get that #familycar. I sit at home on the weekends when my friends party because I would rather be there than anywhere else. My hubby and I are very selective as to when we go out, if we do, because we want to be extremely intentional about having as much #familytime with the girls as possible. I say no to making plans a lot because I choose the #momlife. I get a #girlsnight every time my hubby has a show or band practice and it gives me more opportunity to build an even better relationship with my precious girls. I choose to be the #toughparent because I know that is my kids need, they have enough friends - they need an example, boundaries, someone to show them the way.

The #momlife is not a sacrifice to me. I know it is different for me than many others. I don't try to get away when I can because I need a break. I don't try to plan as many play dates as possible so that I can have a break. I don't need my kids to be in numerous sports or activities to prove that I'm "involved" or a "good parent".

I heard something on the radio the other morning that I thought was absolutely precious and want to start instituting. A mom did a daily #heartcheck on her kids. She would put her ear to their chest and list to their hearts. She would then tell them... "Your heart checks out... Its a happy heart... probably because of ..." and then she would list a few reasons why their hearts would be happy. Something they did well that day, something that they did that made her heart beam, that made her proud, etc. Her kids are now double digit ages and they still long for #heartchecks every day.

This is the life I have been granted and I wouldn't change it for the world. Now I get to spend a little time focusing on the gift of an addition we will soon be making to our family and how much more abundant that will allow my #momlife to be.

So when I say ... #momlife ... it's not at all a negative. It's basically the easiest way for me to sum up everything I have said here, how grateful I am that I get to have this experience and how humbling it is daily. To all the mommas out there... take a few minutes and just bask in your #momlife and what it means to you. Celebrate that you are doing your best, that you are an amazing mom, and that someday your kids will look back on all the good and what you instilled in them and be grateful too. I am.

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