Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Men vs Women

So there is this ongoing conversation about how women would like to be treated the same as men, have the same rights, be viewed the same, etc. But, the problem with that is that men and women are so very different. Not just in the way we act, but in the way we need.

Recently I have been faced with an overwhelming earful of this. I love listening and giving my perspective as I feel it is actually different than most women's perspective. I have a few things going for me: 1. I have six brothers, 2. I have sought out answers/opinions from men, 3. I have read many books (see a few below), 4. I see things differently.

Men and women are not the same. They don't have the same needs or desires. They will never have the same reactions to life, situations, or people. A lot of women out there think they know men and try to give you advise among gossip, but often times they give the wrong advise... A long time ago I realized that if I wanted to know what a man was thinking, needing, wanting then I would go straight to the source and just ask. I know this is crazy for some women and they would never do this. But, I have always had a lot of guy friends (and brothers) and we have always been frank with each other.

For instance... Here are some things from my personal arsenal...

1. I learned about the "fade away" from a brother. Instead of a guy just coming out and saying he's not interested, he will just slowly stop responding and then disappear... ridiculous.

2. Also, I learned that sometimes it has nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with the way you look from behind (from a friend) - oh and they might not realize until a few months in and they see you from a certain angle that they just don't like that... ugh!

3. Sometimes guys do exactly the opposite of what you want them to do... ie: "I love facial hair" she says - in response - he always shaves ... he doesn't want to be who she wants him to be, he wants her to like/love him for who he is...

4. A guy will take what is given... So, if you are out on a date and he is actually interested in a relationship with you, but you slut it up - he will see you that way and forever treat you as a side peace while he continues his pursuit for the one ... all the while you will get emotionally attached and he will never ever see you that way.

We will just leave all that where it is and continue forward with ... A  man is driven by who they are, what they do, and what they make. At the core of every man they are a provider and that is what pushes them forward.

1. When a man breaks his back working long hours, sacrificing his time with his family, giving up personal space/time and guy time... This is him showing you love!

2. When a man calls you his, gives you a title, announces you as something other than your name... This is him showing you love!

3. When a man has holes in his shoes and yet he hands you hundreds to buy clothes for yourself, pays for the kids school tips, or buys everything they need for sports and yet he continues to suffer with a hole even when he spends all day on his feet... This is him showing he loves you.

4. When a man tries to solve all your problems instead of just listening... This is him showing he loves you!

Ladies.... We get all in a mood because we want our man around more, we don't want to be a "possession", we want our man to look good and stop walking around with holes in his shoes/clothes, we want him to just listen... We harp on him all the time because what he is doing is not enough, we need more... But, he is already giving you everything he knows to give - everything he has to give.

Men think, feel and act differently than we do. It is this long lasting bitch fest about how men can't give us women what we need and want - they don't understand... yet, when you tell a man you want something one day - he does it the next and you at him with crazy eyes and ask what he is doing because that's not what you wanted today... Ummm... isn't that a little confusing?!

You try to talk to him, cuddle with him and write him love notes because that shows you love him... that doesn't show you love him - that shows him how you like to be loved... Men don't need or want those kinds of things. Men are pretty basic (no offense).

1. Support him - tell him how you appreciate him, all he does and how you couldn't do it without him
2. Be loyal - stay with him through everything. thick and thin. for better or worse.
3. Be physical - obviously if you know me, then you know where I stand on this subject and I am a firm believer that there is a place and time for all this in a relationship - that aside... This is ultimately how men connect.

The problem is, when we try to give a man what we need - he misses out on everything that he needs. We are oblivious because we think we are loving him the way he needs to be loved, but we never ask and he fades away. Then we wonder what was wrong with us - what we did wrong - we commiserate for hours/days/weeks. Are we not pretty enough? funny enough? sexy enough? Then we get angry and pick out all the awful things about him that make us grateful that we aren't with him anymore...

All along - we missed the boat. We didn't give him what he ultimately needed. We didn't appreciate him, we didn't thank him, we didn't offer him any sort of physical attention (again appropriate based on relationship stages), we didn't seem loyal - there was something that made him go looking elsewhere.

And yes, ladies, that is your fault. Please hear me on this. A man has basic needs that are very different from a woman's. Women can last a long time without getting their needs met. They will fill that with girlfriends, babies, etc. But a man cannot fill his needs with guy friends, babies, or anything else.

I am not perfect. I am far from perfect. I miss the boat on this a lot! But, hear me when I say - my husband and I have this relationship thing down to a science (almost). We know what love means to each other, how to meet the others needs, how to actual act that love out each day. Love is not just a mushy feeling you have in your heart or tummy (that's indigestion!). Love is action. Love is actually putting life, energy, desire, will power into making sure that the person in your life that is your partner knows that you are there for them no matter what (even in their worst state), that you love them more than anything else in the world (infinity and beyond), that you will be physical with them when they need it (endorphins help with headaches).

Take a step back and just think about all this. Stop harassing him that he's not giving enough - he will feel unloved and defeated. Stop asking for more - he has nothing more to give and is giving you all he knows how. Actually sit with him and tell him what you need:

Flowers make you feel loved because it tells you that he was thinking of you when you weren't there.
Love notes mean the world because that means he can put into words how precious you are to him.
Snuggles are necessary because that helps you feel connected the way intimacy helps him.
You need a date every week/month (whatever) because that shows you he cares enough to plan for you and is still interested in showing you off/getting to know you more and more.
He takes the baby when he walks in the door because that shows you he loves his family and nothing else matters more. 
He cooks dinner after working a long day because he recognizes that you have been working hard as well and need a break.

I'm not saying that you can expect these things all the time. But, if you actually vocalize what makes you feel loved - he will do this for you because he loves you and wants to provide you with everything that makes you feel more loved and satisfied.

But... if you don't tell him and leave him guessing - he will always put a lot of time, energy and effort into other things and they will never be good enough for you - at some point you will both be so far away from each other that there will be no fixing this...

So, lets be proactive. Don't be scared. Don't be timid. Don't just keep guessing or keep him guessing. Tell him what you need/want and don't send him on a goose chase, don't give him unattainable goals, you will appreciate his love more when he can offer you love more often and not just once a year because you are being selfish and asking for something he cannot give you often.

Also - keep in mind... if you want what he has to give... you have to give too! This is what I like to call the 60/40 rule. Know that if you give 60 and expect 40 then you will always get back more than you expect too! The more you give, the more you will get.

 

It's inevitable... If you keep filling someone up and never stop - eventually they will overflow. Obviously if they are empty when you start pouring into them it will take longer for you to see that overflow - but it will eventually happen. The more you give, the more you will get back. It's simple and easy. 


Resources!!!
Books you should check out:
Men are like waffles - Women are like spaghetti 
Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Must watch movie: 
Fireproof

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