Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Do whatever just to stay alive....

Think of the last moment you felt exhilerated ... what were you doing?

How is it that often we find ourselves stuck in a rut and dying so quickly inside as we sit behind a desk and waste our lives away? Do you sit looking out a window thinking about all the places you could go or who you could become? Wanting to travel the world or take a risk?

When was the last time you took a deep breath of fresh air and look around at mountains or the oceans? Have you ever see the wild? Appreciated the world or the nature that has created what it is?

I know that everyone has a list of places they want to go or see before they die, well at least I do. Most of those places are odd non touristy places or places that may be somewhat touristy, but not for the tourist reasoning.

Europe, Greenland, Iceland, Bahamas, Jamaica, Brazil, Hawaii, Zimbabwe, The Philippines, Canada, Africa, Chile, Greece, Dominican Republic, Egypt, New Zealand, Thailand, China, Japan, Columbia, Italy, India, St. Lucia, and many more.... Niagra Falls, Eiffel Tower, Rocky Mountains, The Grand Canyon, Broadway (NYC), Disney World, Winery in the fine parts of anywhere, Milwaukee, Nashville, Hollywood, Music Halls of Fame, and so much more... I want to ski, snow board, swim in the ocean, climb a mountain, sing on a major stage, explore the jungle, drive a car on the left side of the road, see a volcano...

I don't even have a passport. I have never had the opportunity to explore or have never taken the opportunity to explore and I feel this deep longing in me to break free of all of this societal corporate normalcy and just go somewhere new.

Instead I continue to find myself breaking because I am working too hard, overwhelming my mind with this education, and etching out every last moment of my spare time in order to fill my life with meaningless events to stay busy. I don't know how to slow down or how to just sit and be. I need to be busy and I have figured out why.

I have to stay busy in order to curb this desire to break free, run wild, and explore the universe. If I have a moment of solitary life, I find myself wondering what could be, who I could become, where I could go, and what is holding me back.

My life has been filled with responsibility since I can remember. I have never had a moment in life where I wasn't caring for someone, taking care of someone, or trying to solve a problem that someone had. I have done whatever just to stay alive. I have never been very selfish or taken time to do what I wanted. I have been so focused on what others want and need. It has been a long dying dreary existence. When I think back on my life journals or whatever I have written that has attempted to capture my life, I tend to wince a little because I have never done anything I have ever really wanted. Most of my decisions have been based on others and what they wanted or needed. My location, where I lived, where I worked, what I did for a living, where I went to school, etc. I have always thought about how everyone else would fit into that picture....

Now I am left with nothing but me and it is a little nerve wrecking, life shaking, unsettling. I don't know what to do with myself or how to even define who I am or what I do without them.

So I have found myself with a lot of solitary time and I find that I am digging my way out of this hole where I just do whatever to stay alive... I don't want to just be alive anymore.

I want to live!

Step 1: Today I filled out paperwork to apply for a passport.

I don't want to just be alive thinking of all the things that can keep me grounded. I don't want to fear the future or what it may hold. I don't want to think about what I have missed out on or what I could be missing out on. I want to be free. Throw all the garbage into the landfill and just be free to really live and experience the life the way it was meant to be.

What is holding you back? What is keeping you down? What makes you feel like you are dying on the inside? Don't continue to just do whatever to stay alive. Break free! Be challenged. See the world as it was meant to be!

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