So I haven't said anything because I didn't want to open a can of worms that was unnecessary, but over the last month or so I have been struggling with my health. Just questions of what is to come and what could or could not be. As many of you know, reading my blogs from the past, there have been numerous struggles over the last few years with my health and just a bunch of road blocks really.
About five or six weeks ago I got a call from my doctors office telling me that my test results came back abnormal. They were concerned and wanted to refer me out to a specialist. I wrote this during some days of struggle:
Can't believe this happened again
Another test came back abnormal
Nobody can understand the gravity
Can't believe it's back again
Every time I think we're in the clear
Ready for some answers now
Can I be cured forever
Another question left unanswered
Never knowing what to expect
Children in my arms or not
Every time I get my hopes up
Really trying to just stay hopeful
Cells changing faster than before
Another battle left to fight
Now I'm tired and defeated
Conquering anything in its way
Enormous change and danger awaits
Ravaging my body more and more
Can't you see this isn't the end
Another hurdle but nothing more
Never shut off the hopeful nature
Changing the way I think and feel
Everyone sees the smiles
Relentlessly fighting to win this battle
It's a beast
A word never spoken
Feared by all
Conquered by many
Battles lost by even more
Now I'm fighting again
The real question is
Who will win
So... with that said... It's been a long hard emotional road and I have not really been sure of what was to come or what would be done. I have been dealing with cervical cancer for years and my body has been continually fighting it off again and again. I have had biopsies every few years and they have had to remove cancer cells.
The struggle this time around was that my doctor decided she was no longer capable of treating me and referred me out to a different doctor who could specialize in the areas necessary for proper treatment. Well duh this freaked me out! It's one of those moments where the floor falls out from underneath you and all you can do is feel yourself falling trying to grab ahold of something and never feeling yourself landing!
Well, I have landed. I went to the specialist last week and I got a lot of questions answered and we have a plan of action. There were a few things she said that really calmed me down, helped my feet find the ground and gave me peace!
"Your cells are slow growing and only return every few years, this is something that wouldn't be a major concern for a few years at least."
"There is nothing in your past health history that would lead me to believe you cannot have a child and anyone who has previously told you that did not know what they were talking about."
"We can manage any of your health problems during a pregnancy and it does not concern me a bit."
"You will have a baby before we make any major changes for you and I will make sure of that!"
At one point she even waved her hand in the air and said "This is nothing we cannot handle."
The sense of relief that I felt as I walked out of that office was tremendous. Of course this is a journey and it is never ending. Of course I have multiple follow up appointments, another biopsy, more staging, etc. But, there is nothing that cannot be tackled and she was exactly the person I needed to help me stand strong in that belief.
I have renewed hope and strength in the possibilities my future holds for being a mother and not just a mother figure. My heart has always longed for that possibility and for a long time I believed it was not possible. I have renewed belief that I will be healthy, strong, and live a long life.
There is nothing more trying or stressful on your body than the question of "will I make it?" Is there even a moment in your mind when you question if you will survive this or what will they have to take from you in order to make it through to the other side. A part of me could be taken forever and I was so afraid that it would make me less of a woman.
I know there are many people out there who have faced the battle before or are facing it now. There are many more that have watched their loved ones face the battle. Everyone's battle is different, it attacks a different part of your body, your treatment plan is different than others, your outcome is different than others. At some point you find peace. Last Wednesday as I was leaving the doctors office, I found that peace.
Knowing that I am not in control is the hardest battle I have to fight sometimes because I just want to make things better and bigger and happier. But, knowing I am not in control also is the easiest thing sometimes because I cannot change the outcome or undo the past. I cannot change what is happening inside my body and there is something so fearful and peaceful about all of that. The peace comes from the knowledge that there is something/someone bigger and greater than I that is in control and that can change the outcome, heal the wounds, and extract the poisons within my body.... If that is the plan. And my job is to keep on trucking, keep on swimming, keep on going until the day he says stop. I cannot let all of this bring me down, make me sad, or cause me stress. There is far more out there to be happy about and to enjoy. Whatever time I have to do that I will spend doing it!
Someone said to me the other night that "we only have one chance to make a go at this thing called life. What is it all unless it is a a good, effort filled, happy go? What is life without real joy?"
How right she is ... what is life without joy?! Don't let anyone or anything steal your joy! Keep fighting the battle, keeping trucking and swimming on. Just keep going because our battle has already been won for us, we are just getting stronger, wiser, and growing more along the way!