Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Celebration

Every year we celebrate many events. Whether it be holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, or hallmark days... But either way they are days on the calendar that remind us to make the people we love feel even more special and celebrated than we do generally. Let's be honest, we can say we want to celebrate them everyday, but life gets in the way and it's impossible. But, these calendar days are there to kick us in the pants and remind us. 

This year I have been experiencing celebrations very differently. For the first time in a long time I have not celebrated with my family the most recent holidays such as Easter, my dad's birthday, Memorial Day, my brothers graduation, my birthday, etc. It has been different and difficult because I'm being forced to redefine what celebration means. Everything has turned from phone calls to texting or posting on social media too. So even when you won't see that person to celebrate them - you don't call, you just post, text, tweet or whatever. 

Some aspects of redefining celebration open my eyes while others break my heart. For the first time in a long time I felt very isolated and there is no way to remedy this. The people you want to celebrate with are too far away, the people nearby don't want to celebrate, and the few that do celebrate try to make up for the others blah blah blah. 

So, here we are redefining what dies celebration mean and how do we do it?! 

I've decided that for me, it means that I will focus on what I have near and dear instead of far. I cannot change the circumstances therefore I will focus on what I have and not on what I'm missing. Celebration does not have to be stuck with just the date on the calendar, but whenever it fits with travel plans and life schedules. 

This year my holidays have been very different and they will continue to be moving forward. I know that I have multiple locations and families. Many people who I love and want to celebrate with. It will be a challenge but it will be an adventure. 

I will no longer invite someone who is not a constant in my life. I will no longer expect or be disappointed by people bailing on plans. I will no longer wish things could be different because I cannot change it. I will no longer be upset or tearful on a holiday. 

I will celebrate with the people I love when I can and where I can. I will enjoy every minute I get to spend loving the people close to me. I will be healthy and happy and filled with joy. 

I know that as we grow and change everyone around us is growing and changing too. I have chosen an amazing life filled with love, happiness and so much more. Others aren't there yet and that's okay, but if they chose to stop including me because of my life choice then that is their loss not mine. I will keep celebrating the people I love and those who love me. 

Distance makes the heart grow fonder -or- out of sight out of mind...

Which have you fallen into? 

Circumstances change, people change, life throws curve balls your way... But what you do with all of that shapes who you are and who you will become. 

How do you celebrate the ones you love? 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Road Rage

I almost died today while I was driving down the highway. It is one of those moments when you think about your life and the what could have been or what could be flashes before your eyes....

So I am driving on 90 and I change lanes. All of a sudden this guy starts laying his horn because he is speeding up behind me and doesn't like that I just got in "his" lane. He starts driving on the side of the road and swerving back and forth. Then he gets in the lane next to me and starts edging closer and closer to my vehicle. Trying to either push me off the side of the road or get me to look over. At this point there are mixed feelings. I am a little pissed off, but also a little scared. I know that I am in my lane and have the right of way so if he tries to push me out or push me off the road it will be his fault etc. So I continue driving. Eventually he speeds up and gets in front of the guy in front of me, but obviously is taking this to an entirely new level when it comes to road rage because he suddenly slams on his breaks attempting to make me hit the guy in front of me... but obviously that doesn't happen. Meanwhile the guy in front of me is trying to get over and cannot because the guy in front of him (angry guy in black town car) is continually slamming on his breaks and trying to cause an accident. Then, if you think that isn't good enough it gets better. Because the guy in front of me from Minnesota obviously is going to miss his exit because of angry town car guy so Minnesota stops in the left lane on 90 and waits to get over. Meanwhile, many angry drivers are speeding around us, making it harder for Minnesota to get over to his exit and also impossible for me to continue driving.

All the while, angry town car guy is just sitting a few car lengths ahead on the highway waiting.... Not joking! He was stopped on the highway in the left lane, waiting.

Finally Minnesota gets through and makes it to his exit, I start driving and so does angry town car guy up ahead. I see him change lanes to the right and I know what game he is playing. So I speed up to the flow of normal highway traffic and suddenly when riding even with angry town car guy he starts trying to push me off the road again. I lay on my horn and do not budge or let him push me over because again I know that if he is going to hit me it would be his fault. Finally he cuts over three lanes and gets off at the same exit as Minnesota guy.

Mind you the entire time this is a town car, with a driver, driving a passenger somewhere. So either they both thought it was funny and were in on some sick prank, or the driver is insane and will be reported. Either way it was ridiculous and the most absurd version of road rage I have seen in a long time. Sometimes I feel like my life should be on film because I know that people do not or would not believe this kind of thing unless they saw it themselves.

So maybe the assumption that I almost died is a little over dramatic and maybe it is dumb to say that, but I can tell you that I honestly wasn't sure if this guy was going to bash me into the side wall on the highway going 80mph or if he was going to cut me off and slam on and force me to rear end him. It was one of those situations that even if I slowed down and tried to let him pass he just wouldn't.

Was I on reality TV? In the middle of a car chase scene? Was this person insane? Where or what part of this makes it even seem logical that they would have any sort of rage toward me except that I turned into the left lane going 80 when they thought they should be going 95 or more... Umm... IDK.

Anyways. I guess that is all for now. Just don't understand people or why they think any behavior like this endangering many people is acceptable. And more so, how is it possible that there was a passenger in this vehicle the entire time and at no point did that person tell the driver to stop playing this awful game that was also endangering them?!

I think we should all have road monitors in our vehicles that keep us on the road or allow department of transportation to revoke our license if we are dumb. It would save a whole lot of trouble and a whole lot of lives if we were able to keep theses crazies off the road!

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Battle

So I haven't said anything because I didn't want to open a can of worms that was unnecessary, but over the last month or so I have been struggling with my health. Just questions of what is to come and what could or could not be. As many of you know, reading my blogs from the past, there have been numerous struggles over the last few years with my health and just a bunch of road blocks really. 

About five or six weeks ago I got a call from my doctors office telling me that my test results came back abnormal. They were concerned and wanted to refer me out to a specialist. I wrote this during some days of struggle:

The battle Can't believe this happened again Another test came back abnormal Nobody can understand the gravity Can't believe it's back again Every time I think we're in the clear Ready for some answers now Can I be cured forever Another question left unanswered Never knowing what to expect Children in my arms or not Every time I get my hopes up Really trying to just stay hopeful Cells changing faster than before Another battle left to fight Now I'm tired and defeated Conquering anything in its way Enormous change and danger awaits Ravaging my body more and more Can't you see this isn't the end Another hurdle but nothing more Never shut off the hopeful nature Changing the way I think and feel Everyone sees the smiles Relentlessly fighting to win this battle Cancer It's a beast A word never spoken Feared by all Conquered by many Battles lost by even more Now I'm fighting again The real question is Who will win

So... with that said... It's been a long hard emotional road and I have not really been sure of what was to come or what would be done. I have been dealing with cervical cancer for years and my body has been continually fighting it off again and again. I have had biopsies every few years and they have had to remove cancer cells.

The struggle this time around was that my doctor decided she was no longer capable of treating me and referred me out to a different doctor who could specialize in the areas necessary for proper treatment. Well duh this freaked me out! It's one of those moments where the floor falls out from underneath you and all you can do is feel yourself falling trying to grab ahold of something and never feeling yourself landing!

Well, I have landed. I went to the specialist last week and I got a lot of questions answered and we have a plan of action. There were a few things she said that really calmed me down, helped my feet find the ground and gave me peace!

"Your cells are slow growing and only return every few years, this is something that wouldn't be a major concern for a few years at least."

"There is nothing in your past health history that would lead me to believe you cannot have a child and anyone who has previously told you that did not know what they were talking about."

"We can manage any of your health problems during a pregnancy and it does not concern me a bit."

"You will have a baby before we make any major changes for you and I will make sure of that!"

At one point she even waved her hand in the air and said "This is nothing we cannot handle."

The sense of relief that I felt as I walked out of that office was tremendous. Of course this is a journey and it is never ending. Of course I have multiple follow up appointments, another biopsy, more staging, etc. But, there is nothing that cannot be tackled and she was exactly the person I needed to help me stand strong in that belief.

I have renewed hope and strength in the possibilities my future holds for being a mother and not just a mother figure. My heart has always longed for that possibility and for a long time I believed it was not possible. I have renewed belief that I will be healthy, strong, and live a long life.

There is nothing more trying or stressful on your body than the question of "will I make it?" Is there even a moment in your mind when you question if you will survive this or what will they have to take from you in order to make it through to the other side. A part of me could be taken forever and I was so afraid that it would make me less of a woman.

I know there are many people out there who have faced the battle before or are facing it now. There are many more that have watched their loved ones face the battle. Everyone's battle is different, it attacks a different part of your body, your treatment plan is different than others, your outcome is different than others. At some point you find peace. Last Wednesday as I was leaving the doctors office, I found that peace.

Knowing that I am not in control is the hardest battle I have to fight sometimes because I just want to make things better and bigger and happier. But, knowing I am not in control also is the easiest thing sometimes because I cannot change the outcome or undo the past. I cannot change what is happening inside my body and there is something so fearful and peaceful about all of that. The peace comes from the knowledge that there is something/someone bigger and greater than I that is in control and that can change the outcome, heal the wounds, and extract the poisons within my body.... If that is the plan. And my job is to keep on trucking, keep on swimming, keep on going until the day he says stop. I cannot let all of this bring me down, make me sad, or cause me stress. There is far more out there to be happy about and to enjoy. Whatever time I have to do that I will spend doing it!

Someone said to me the other night that "we only have one chance to make a go at this thing called life. What is it all unless it is a a good, effort filled, happy go? What is life without real joy?"

How right she is ... what is life without joy?! Don't let anyone or anything steal your joy! Keep fighting the battle, keeping trucking and swimming on. Just keep going because our battle has already been won for us, we are just getting stronger, wiser, and growing more along the way!