Thursday, April 24, 2014


Not knowing or being unsure and having to wait is just am absolute buzz kill. Honestly, waiting is one of my weaknesses and I really struggle with it. Give me daily thing to have patience with and I'm fine, but life things that I have to wait for.... Not fine. 

This time I'm waiting for an appointment. Just a consultation, but the outcome could change me and my life forever. I long to be hopeful, but my struggle is  that I'm a realist and I know what weight this visit carries. I'm struggling with this let go and let God take control of the situation because I have a feeling I'm not going to like or agree with his plan... But then that's me behind a realist or pessimist instead of being hopeful or faithful. 

The waiting game really takes a toll on a person. On the mind, body, spirit... You want to be sure that nobody knows just how much inner turmoil you are facing and just the masking of it all is tiresome too. You have to be strong and courageous. Attempting to just be okay with how things are or will be... But on the inside all you want to do is mourn, be sad, and just hate the way things are. 

My body... If I could trade it in I would. Not because of my outward appearance, but because of how my body internally functions. I wonder sometimes why I'm the only on in my family who got all these ailments, but then I remind myself that I would have taken the burden any day for any if them if it meant they could live better. 

Such an ongoing struggle. I'm trying to combat the rheumatoid arthritis with eating well... So now I'm gluten free, dairy free, and sugar free. It's such a battle because it's not something I want to do but it's something I need to do. I have not yet found the joy in giving up everything .... But I'm sure that's part of the waiting game as well... Someday I will no longer crave these delicious foods I've been eating all my life...

Well, I presume it just all boils down to patience and willpower. How much if it do you have? How much do I have? And how much longer can I go before I crack, break, or go crazy... Lol. I guess that's a part of the waiting game too! 

In the meantime I am trying to focus on the positive and keep myself sidetracked by everything that's going on around me - like school or work or life in general - as stressful as it is, sometimes that helps. 

Still waiting... But I'm sure I'll update after I get some more answers....

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