Thursday, December 11, 2014

Accomplished

Phew! I don't know that I can say I have ever felt as accomplished as I do right now. I have officially submitted my last final for my Bachelor's degree. I know this may not seem like a big accomplishment for some, but it has been a long road and 10 years of hard work has finally paid off!

I started right out of high school and went away to school, but that only lasted a semester before I had to return home to my family. Then after a few years of family I struggled through working full time and attempting classes at community college. I decided to focus on my career for a while, but these last couple years I really knew that I needed to get this done and I was determined. Determination really does help you power through it all.

I am proud to say I completed my final semester of 15 credit hours with straight A's, but that's not all, I also worked full time managing a private doctor office, moved, got married and took on a family, husband and two sweet precious girls, don't forget the holidays, a RIOT fest, Eric's band's performances, countless late nights studying and completing projects....

Some days I wonder how I even survived.....

But then I remember its because I am blessed with many people who love and support me and I could not be prouder to say that they are the reasons I am here.

I remember a distinct dinner conversation I had a couple years ago with a friend where I discussed the possibility of going back to school full time, how that would affect my life and career and what it would mean to really commit to that.

I recall numerous conversations about wanting to just quit because it was difficult and I couldn't understand why a degree was so important to me when I was buried under countless critical essays, finals, term papers, and major projects.

I cursed the idea of a degree when I was forced to participate in group projects where I ended up doing far more work because someone decided to do nothing...

But, I also remember the late nights I would get home and dinner would be made, mornings I would wake up and breakfast and lunch would be packed and ready for me on the counter. The number of nights I passed a computer over to my loving husband after waking him up from slumber forcing him to read my seven page essays. His patience, love, and support over the past year has really driven me to these final moments and I could not have done it without him!

I am so excited to be done, but also excited for what is next! I am currently in the process of starting an application for an MFA program!! Woohoo! Yes, I know it is insane, but if I don't do it now while I am in the school groove - I'm afraid I might not do it.

So - Here's to good luck finding a job that I can use my degree with until I complete my MFA program!!! I'm on the prowl.

Friday, November 21, 2014

A long time coming....

Answers are finally streaming in for this long journey I have been trudging along on. I am grateful for the knowledge because I will be able to have what I need in order to move forward. Sometimes life throws you lemons and you just have to squeeze and squeeze until you are able to make lemonade. Or, throw the lemons to the lions and just pick oranges or apples instead...

In other news, I am only 3 weeks from the end of my semester and graduating!

I have been taking this poetry class that has become a huge love of mine. Poetry has always been an outlet for me, but recently more than ever it has been a more developed and polished outlet.

----

Oh my sweet darling
Where did you go?
Over the hills and through the woods?
Why stay in the shadows?

I long to see your lovely face
Hear your magnetic voice
That which I never saw or heard

Are you in my dreams?
Were you ever real?
How will I know?
Where will you go?

I can never wholly grasp
Hold my thoughts and emotions
Foggy, distant, so far in the past

----

My almost mother
I with you knew
I am here
In the chair right next to you

When you look in the mirror
When you listen to the wind
I am looking back & whispering

Every night when you sleep I am
there with you keeping the
nightmares away
never leaving

I know you don't understand
and neither do I but don't ever
let go of the past
I am there with you always

----

My Darling,


You are the one that I will never know. The one that will never be. The one that will never grow. Today I discovered that it couldn’t possibly be. I am saddened for this lose, but I know it isn’t just me. What will become of this future of mine? No cradles, blankets, pacifiers. Fine. But can I just say, if you had come, you would have been brighter than the sun. Your face would have shown like beauty beyond. Your heart even bigger, so precious, so young. I would have named you Montana, so precious and picturesque. My darling, my dear, I wish you could be. But now I know, some day may come. Maybe, maybe not.

Love,

Your almost mom.

----

When I look in the mirror I see you
But, who is you
Is it you? Or is it me?
When I see you across the room
I see me
But is it you?
Or is it me?

Some say we could be twins
Others say never
But I see you in me
And me in you
Aren't we clever?!

Twins we are not
But we could be
Years between us = many

When I see you or hear you
Across the room or
Through the phone
My heart jumps and my lips curl
I cannot help but be filled with joy

Did I mention you are not one
Three I guess
Could there be more
Which one am I think of
Oh, you are always there
But, who is you?
Is it me?

----

Anyways... That is all for now. Just continuing on this twisted path of life searching for answers - hoping that sooner rather than later I will have what I need.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Wow!

Time flies when you are having fun ad I'm not sure if it was all fun but most of it was so we will just say it! 

I haven't blogged since September but should be back to blogging a usual here in the next couple weeks. I am nearing the end of my final semester before my bachelors degree and I cannot wait to actually have my life back! 

If working full time and going to school full time wasn't enough, I decide to throw in moving, family visits, and getting married!! 

It's been a hectic few months and I'm so very grateful for rest and relaxation today. Also for the delicious smells filling the house this morning as my husband makes us breakfast! 

I know that November is national writing month, but due to all the other things pulling me away from my family I decided to not commit more time away. So December will be my writing month. Also, I know November houses thanksgiving and has become the month everyone shares what they are thankful for, but I have opted out of that as well because I enjoy giving thanks of everything I'm thankful for when it happen always! 

We are anxiously awaiting our final wedding prints and will post a few once we receive them from the photographers! 

Needless to say it's finals crunch time so I must get back to that, but just wanted to take a few minutes to write! 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

are you colorblind?

What an interesting concept.... Are you colorblind? Do you live in a technicolored world or do you only see gray? Do I need to paint a picture for you? Or will you paint one with me? What does your canvas look like?



When I was younger we would talk about how we did not see color... my family still references this statement. I wonder now what kind of effect this has on the world? When I say we did not see color I am referencing race and color of skin. We were all varying shades of brown and my mom was a shade of peachy white. We did not know the difference, we just loved each other. We had friends of many different races or ethnicities and we did not care what the color of their skin was, we just loved them. We lived in a world that was so lovingly ignorant. Even though we loved and were colorblind, others were not so loving and were not so colorblind!

What happens when you see color? You have to admit that there are differences in the world?! You have to see that others live differently than you and they do not share in the privileges that you have?! Think of all the things you are privileged to.... what do you have that you did not have to work for? Is it money, a car, a job, a house/home/shelter, a life, safety, comfort, etc.... Now think about how that looks or feels for others....

I went through a lot of my life trying not to see color. Trying to blend into the shades of gray and believe that I was the same as everyone else. Sometimes I can fit in as white, other times as brown.... but sometimes I do not fit in as either. My eyes slowly started being opened to the idea that it matters. My life is not the same as the other white people I know. My life is not the same as the other brown people I know. It surely isn't the same as the black people, or another other shade of color that I know.

So where do we go from here? I want to live in a world that is technicolored and tie died on the same canvas. A world that sees color but understands and accepts the differences. A world that allows men and women no matter race or ethnicity to have the same privileges.

.... that would mean sacrifice. I would have to give up some of what I have in order to allow others to have more. People who have more than me would have to give up most of what they have so that others can have more. What would life look like if we all were allowed the same privileges?????

What if every child had the opportunity to eat 3 meals a day?
What if every child had the opportunity to be successful in school?
What if every young adult had the opportunity to explore their dreams?
What if every young adult had the opportunity to pursue a higher level of education?
What if every male/female had the opportunity to provide for their family?
What if every male/female had the opportunity to achieve a debt free financial situation?

I know these things are minimal... these are what we see.... but what if....

Every person was safe in their own home?
Every person felt safe walking to or from the local park?
Every person was happy sharing experiences with strangers?
Every person did not have to fear tomorrow and the unknown?

What would life look like if we as people, as human beings, were able to come together and be? What if we could all just be okay being different, embrace it, and learn a little more about loving each other and not being ignorant?

Sometimes I feel like the worst part of it all is that we are knowingly ignorant. We know that what we are doing is wrong and yet we do it anyway. We use the people who are less privileged and we take advantage of our positions in life. We know we are doing it and yet we do nothing to change it. Why?

Are we afraid of losing our power? Is that what all of this boils down to? Are we afraid of not having as many material objects to distract us with? Are we worried that someday the people who we currently boss around will boss us around?

I always said I did not see color because even though I know there are differences, I did not want to base any of my life decisions on color. I did not want to make anyone feel objectified or different. I did not want to make anyone feel less. But, that in and of it self is ignorant thinking. Other people already feel that way because everyone else is treating them that way. At points in my life I felt that way because I was treated poorly by others.

I have this unique color palette. I fit in multiple categories, but don't really fit in one. People sometimes will say things to me not knowing that I am brown. They will be racist or derogatory and not think twice about it. Most of the time I don't talk about it because I don't fit in the brown category either. I do not speak Spanish, I did not have a quinceanera  and I do not know all the smooth dance moves. I also did not know how to make ethnic dishes and I do not share in the cultural holidays the same way. I grew up a brown girl in a white world. I never really fit in there either because once someone realized my tan never went away... I was no longer like them.

I have been on both sides of this and I feel like that is what allows me to see things differently. I want a world full of color. A world that is seen and known for it's beautiful differences. Where people can admit they do not know and start to learn. Where people can admit they are privileged and sacrifice a little. Where power is not the most important aspect of who you are and where you reside. A world that does not speak for others or give others a voice, but actually allows those people to speak out and tell the whole story, not just the story that works in favor of those who want to share it.



Friday, August 22, 2014

Whirlwind

Sometimes I can find myself writing every day and other times I find myself only writing once a month. I often think about writing and start long pieces in my head, but then life as a whirlwind picks me and doesn't let me down again until I have lost track of time and forgotten everything I was meant to be doing.

This is such a busy time of year at work, going back to school, life is full of upcoming events and it cannot be any more exciting. Sometimes time just gets away from us and we get caught up in everything that is going on we forget to rest a while or take some time away from responsibilities. Everybody needs a break sometimes.

This summer I took my break in Big Sky, Montana! And it was beautiful! I cannot even believe how gorgeous the view was every day. I could live there someday and not think twice about being far from everything I know because the beauty is so overpowering you cannot even stand it! We went hiking and spent time with family. Yellowstone was beautiful and Mount Rushmore was underwhelming. It was just so perfect and I cannot wait to do it again.

I have decided to put my MFA on hold for a little bit, there is just too much going on right now to do that. So, I will graduate in December with my BA and be so grateful that is finally done! For those of you who know me, you know this has been a long and trying journey to get to this point and it will be celebrated. I cannot wait to finally say I have finished my college degree!

Also, coming up is a wedding. This is even more exciting! I cannot believe that it is coming so fast and it is wonderful! I have the best guy a gal could ever ask for and though I know nothing is perfect, he is perfect for me! We are a pair that really compliments each other and we love each other too, so that helps... lol.

There is just so much going on and not enough time. I know I say this all the time, but this whirlwind of a summer has really got me wishing time would slow down.

I'm super excited for more family time in October! And looking forward to the expansion of the family next year! So many exciting things going on all at once. Sometimes a little stressful and nerve wrecking, but generally overall exciting!

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Waiting

We all spend so much time waiting. Either we are waiting in a line with others, we are waiting on our couch at home, or waiting for much longer for something unknown....

What are you waiting for?

Every little girl dreams of being all grown up, we want to be moms, nurses, doctors, dancers, artists, singers, architects, builders, veterinarians, or whatever else is on our hearts. We watch all these beautiful disney movies that make us dream of a knight in shining armor coming along some day to save us and be our prince charming. We always dream about all the things life could be...

Are you still waiting for that?

Every little boy dreams of growing up and being just like his dad, older brother or mentor. He dreams of being the man, the provider, the one everyone he loves can lean on. He wants to be successful and productive. He wants to have a beautiful woman beside him, be able to travel the world and have many accomplishments. He is the fireman, the police man, the super hero, the artist, the musician, the doctor, the father, the husband, or whatever else he may dream of....

Are you still waiting for that?

Sometimes I think about what I imagined life would be like when I was 4 or 5. I think about who or what I wanted to be and all the big dreams I had. Then I check back into reality and see how far I am from that and how my views, dreams, and desires have changes over the years.

It's not about being famous or making more money than anyone else. It's not about measuring success on the dollar amount in the bank account or the size house or model car I am driving.

I have always measured success differently than most. I have waited a long time for it and I know that it will come. I have measured success by how many people call me friend and vise versa. I have measured it by how many times I can turn someone's frown into a giant smile. Make someone laugh or encourage someone. I know people who measure by the time spent with family or number of stamps in the passport. Ensuring a vacation happens every year and giving their significant other some time off from responsibility.

I have been waiting for the day that I was able to sit back, relax, and really enjoy time with family. A time away and much needed time for rejuvenation and renewal. I have been waiting for the day that I was able to rest and know that life was good and I was good and things were taken care of and always would be. I have been waiting for the day that I could possibly have a family of my own and a man to support us.

I know that these things are not measured success by society. I have a good career, a good salary, I am working on my degree and will finish in December. I am a writer who published a raw book and is working on a second. I am also successful in the eyes of society in some ways, but that is not what is most important to me.

Recently I have seen a wave of women empowerment music videos or commercials. If you have not seen them, I encourage you to check them out.
Colbie Caillat - Try
John Legend - You & I 
"Like a Girl" commercial by Always


I am loving it! I have been waiting a long time to really see society become aware of this! I have been waiting a long time for women to be noticed as beautiful. For someone other than my father to tell me I am beautiful on the inside and the outside I don't have to try so hard at. That I will be loved even if I don't straighten my hair or put a face of make-up on. That I am a girl and I should do everything like a girl because there is power in that!

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. There is someone out there that thinks everyone is beautiful.You were created, uniquely woven together in your mothers womb. You were meant to be this way, look this way, feel this way. There is a reason and purpose for everything.

I cannot even express enough excitement in these words I am writing here because there is too much streaming from me that I cannot harness it. I watch these and I get goose bumps. I want to shout hoorays and cry at the same time. It has been far too long waiting for a movement like this and I hope it does not stop here.

What are you waiting for? What has not happened in your life or those around you that you are waiting on?
Don't loose hope, be realistic, make sure it is attainable, and continue shooting for it!


Don't be cookie cutter. Keep waiting!
Don't sacrifice your morals and values. Keep waiting!
Don't succumb to the views society has. Keep waiting!

You will find it or it will find you! If it is in God's plan... he will ensure that it happens.

There may be things that you wait on for a long time. There may be things you wait on forever that never come. There may be things that you wait on for a second and realize you should not be waiting on them at all. Just have faith that whatever you are waiting on is in God's plan or he will tell you otherwise.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Lemons

Sometimes life throws you lemons and you feel like you need a little tequila for your lemonade.

In my life lemons usually represent a significant change that is approaching. I don't mind lemons as long a they aren't too difficult or don't represent sudden or crazy change... Wait? Isn't that what lemons usually means?! 

I am finding myself in the middle of a whirlwind of lemons. I don't mind it. I know that change is on the horizon and it's exciting! I know at times I feel anxious and slightly overwhelmed but I cannot express how right it all feels and therefore I am okay waiting out this lemon food fight in order to squeeze al the goodness out of these change and douce on the end product. The sweetness and comfort of homemade lemonade. 

Silly I know but think about it. What makes you feel good? What makes a smile come across your face? What makes you reminisce in the good time and look forward to the future? I know that we all struggle and we all have difficult times. If we focus on the good that can come out of things then out struggles will be a little less and our joyful moments will be a little more. 

Life has thrown me lemons. I'm reaching for the sugar and the water. I know it's not a decision of right or wrong that I'm making- it's completely a decision of timing. Will we ever know what is the right or wrong timing? Likely not, life is all about trial and error and learning from where we have been in order to know where to go. We make educated guesses based on the wisdom we have learned over the years and we find ourselves continuing to grow and better our lives. 

A wrench will get thrown in every once in a while and we will figure out how to fix it. We will figure out how to make of and make it fun and enjoyable all at the same time. I know what I want out of life and I often struggle with the idea that what I want is note same as what God wants or what others want with me. I have come to understand that sometimes we won't know. We will have to e vulnerable and stick ourselves out there in order to uncover the answers. 

So what is it that life is throwing at you? What feels like lemons? What feels like it is too difficult to make something sweet from it? What makes you feel like you need to throw in a little tequila or a little white towel? 

Stay strong. Stay encouraged. Stay at peace. Take some time to rest and be in solitude. Know an understand where you are as where you are going. But most importantly understand why. 

I have lemons. I intend to make some delicious lemonade - I won't let these lemons sour me. Will you? 

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Do whatever just to stay alive....

Think of the last moment you felt exhilerated ... what were you doing?

How is it that often we find ourselves stuck in a rut and dying so quickly inside as we sit behind a desk and waste our lives away? Do you sit looking out a window thinking about all the places you could go or who you could become? Wanting to travel the world or take a risk?

When was the last time you took a deep breath of fresh air and look around at mountains or the oceans? Have you ever see the wild? Appreciated the world or the nature that has created what it is?

I know that everyone has a list of places they want to go or see before they die, well at least I do. Most of those places are odd non touristy places or places that may be somewhat touristy, but not for the tourist reasoning.

Europe, Greenland, Iceland, Bahamas, Jamaica, Brazil, Hawaii, Zimbabwe, The Philippines, Canada, Africa, Chile, Greece, Dominican Republic, Egypt, New Zealand, Thailand, China, Japan, Columbia, Italy, India, St. Lucia, and many more.... Niagra Falls, Eiffel Tower, Rocky Mountains, The Grand Canyon, Broadway (NYC), Disney World, Winery in the fine parts of anywhere, Milwaukee, Nashville, Hollywood, Music Halls of Fame, and so much more... I want to ski, snow board, swim in the ocean, climb a mountain, sing on a major stage, explore the jungle, drive a car on the left side of the road, see a volcano...

I don't even have a passport. I have never had the opportunity to explore or have never taken the opportunity to explore and I feel this deep longing in me to break free of all of this societal corporate normalcy and just go somewhere new.

Instead I continue to find myself breaking because I am working too hard, overwhelming my mind with this education, and etching out every last moment of my spare time in order to fill my life with meaningless events to stay busy. I don't know how to slow down or how to just sit and be. I need to be busy and I have figured out why.

I have to stay busy in order to curb this desire to break free, run wild, and explore the universe. If I have a moment of solitary life, I find myself wondering what could be, who I could become, where I could go, and what is holding me back.

My life has been filled with responsibility since I can remember. I have never had a moment in life where I wasn't caring for someone, taking care of someone, or trying to solve a problem that someone had. I have done whatever just to stay alive. I have never been very selfish or taken time to do what I wanted. I have been so focused on what others want and need. It has been a long dying dreary existence. When I think back on my life journals or whatever I have written that has attempted to capture my life, I tend to wince a little because I have never done anything I have ever really wanted. Most of my decisions have been based on others and what they wanted or needed. My location, where I lived, where I worked, what I did for a living, where I went to school, etc. I have always thought about how everyone else would fit into that picture....

Now I am left with nothing but me and it is a little nerve wrecking, life shaking, unsettling. I don't know what to do with myself or how to even define who I am or what I do without them.

So I have found myself with a lot of solitary time and I find that I am digging my way out of this hole where I just do whatever to stay alive... I don't want to just be alive anymore.

I want to live!

Step 1: Today I filled out paperwork to apply for a passport.

I don't want to just be alive thinking of all the things that can keep me grounded. I don't want to fear the future or what it may hold. I don't want to think about what I have missed out on or what I could be missing out on. I want to be free. Throw all the garbage into the landfill and just be free to really live and experience the life the way it was meant to be.

What is holding you back? What is keeping you down? What makes you feel like you are dying on the inside? Don't continue to just do whatever to stay alive. Break free! Be challenged. See the world as it was meant to be!

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Celebration

Every year we celebrate many events. Whether it be holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, or hallmark days... But either way they are days on the calendar that remind us to make the people we love feel even more special and celebrated than we do generally. Let's be honest, we can say we want to celebrate them everyday, but life gets in the way and it's impossible. But, these calendar days are there to kick us in the pants and remind us. 

This year I have been experiencing celebrations very differently. For the first time in a long time I have not celebrated with my family the most recent holidays such as Easter, my dad's birthday, Memorial Day, my brothers graduation, my birthday, etc. It has been different and difficult because I'm being forced to redefine what celebration means. Everything has turned from phone calls to texting or posting on social media too. So even when you won't see that person to celebrate them - you don't call, you just post, text, tweet or whatever. 

Some aspects of redefining celebration open my eyes while others break my heart. For the first time in a long time I felt very isolated and there is no way to remedy this. The people you want to celebrate with are too far away, the people nearby don't want to celebrate, and the few that do celebrate try to make up for the others blah blah blah. 

So, here we are redefining what dies celebration mean and how do we do it?! 

I've decided that for me, it means that I will focus on what I have near and dear instead of far. I cannot change the circumstances therefore I will focus on what I have and not on what I'm missing. Celebration does not have to be stuck with just the date on the calendar, but whenever it fits with travel plans and life schedules. 

This year my holidays have been very different and they will continue to be moving forward. I know that I have multiple locations and families. Many people who I love and want to celebrate with. It will be a challenge but it will be an adventure. 

I will no longer invite someone who is not a constant in my life. I will no longer expect or be disappointed by people bailing on plans. I will no longer wish things could be different because I cannot change it. I will no longer be upset or tearful on a holiday. 

I will celebrate with the people I love when I can and where I can. I will enjoy every minute I get to spend loving the people close to me. I will be healthy and happy and filled with joy. 

I know that as we grow and change everyone around us is growing and changing too. I have chosen an amazing life filled with love, happiness and so much more. Others aren't there yet and that's okay, but if they chose to stop including me because of my life choice then that is their loss not mine. I will keep celebrating the people I love and those who love me. 

Distance makes the heart grow fonder -or- out of sight out of mind...

Which have you fallen into? 

Circumstances change, people change, life throws curve balls your way... But what you do with all of that shapes who you are and who you will become. 

How do you celebrate the ones you love? 

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Road Rage

I almost died today while I was driving down the highway. It is one of those moments when you think about your life and the what could have been or what could be flashes before your eyes....

So I am driving on 90 and I change lanes. All of a sudden this guy starts laying his horn because he is speeding up behind me and doesn't like that I just got in "his" lane. He starts driving on the side of the road and swerving back and forth. Then he gets in the lane next to me and starts edging closer and closer to my vehicle. Trying to either push me off the side of the road or get me to look over. At this point there are mixed feelings. I am a little pissed off, but also a little scared. I know that I am in my lane and have the right of way so if he tries to push me out or push me off the road it will be his fault etc. So I continue driving. Eventually he speeds up and gets in front of the guy in front of me, but obviously is taking this to an entirely new level when it comes to road rage because he suddenly slams on his breaks attempting to make me hit the guy in front of me... but obviously that doesn't happen. Meanwhile the guy in front of me is trying to get over and cannot because the guy in front of him (angry guy in black town car) is continually slamming on his breaks and trying to cause an accident. Then, if you think that isn't good enough it gets better. Because the guy in front of me from Minnesota obviously is going to miss his exit because of angry town car guy so Minnesota stops in the left lane on 90 and waits to get over. Meanwhile, many angry drivers are speeding around us, making it harder for Minnesota to get over to his exit and also impossible for me to continue driving.

All the while, angry town car guy is just sitting a few car lengths ahead on the highway waiting.... Not joking! He was stopped on the highway in the left lane, waiting.

Finally Minnesota gets through and makes it to his exit, I start driving and so does angry town car guy up ahead. I see him change lanes to the right and I know what game he is playing. So I speed up to the flow of normal highway traffic and suddenly when riding even with angry town car guy he starts trying to push me off the road again. I lay on my horn and do not budge or let him push me over because again I know that if he is going to hit me it would be his fault. Finally he cuts over three lanes and gets off at the same exit as Minnesota guy.

Mind you the entire time this is a town car, with a driver, driving a passenger somewhere. So either they both thought it was funny and were in on some sick prank, or the driver is insane and will be reported. Either way it was ridiculous and the most absurd version of road rage I have seen in a long time. Sometimes I feel like my life should be on film because I know that people do not or would not believe this kind of thing unless they saw it themselves.

So maybe the assumption that I almost died is a little over dramatic and maybe it is dumb to say that, but I can tell you that I honestly wasn't sure if this guy was going to bash me into the side wall on the highway going 80mph or if he was going to cut me off and slam on and force me to rear end him. It was one of those situations that even if I slowed down and tried to let him pass he just wouldn't.

Was I on reality TV? In the middle of a car chase scene? Was this person insane? Where or what part of this makes it even seem logical that they would have any sort of rage toward me except that I turned into the left lane going 80 when they thought they should be going 95 or more... Umm... IDK.

Anyways. I guess that is all for now. Just don't understand people or why they think any behavior like this endangering many people is acceptable. And more so, how is it possible that there was a passenger in this vehicle the entire time and at no point did that person tell the driver to stop playing this awful game that was also endangering them?!

I think we should all have road monitors in our vehicles that keep us on the road or allow department of transportation to revoke our license if we are dumb. It would save a whole lot of trouble and a whole lot of lives if we were able to keep theses crazies off the road!

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Battle

So I haven't said anything because I didn't want to open a can of worms that was unnecessary, but over the last month or so I have been struggling with my health. Just questions of what is to come and what could or could not be. As many of you know, reading my blogs from the past, there have been numerous struggles over the last few years with my health and just a bunch of road blocks really. 

About five or six weeks ago I got a call from my doctors office telling me that my test results came back abnormal. They were concerned and wanted to refer me out to a specialist. I wrote this during some days of struggle:

The battle Can't believe this happened again Another test came back abnormal Nobody can understand the gravity Can't believe it's back again Every time I think we're in the clear Ready for some answers now Can I be cured forever Another question left unanswered Never knowing what to expect Children in my arms or not Every time I get my hopes up Really trying to just stay hopeful Cells changing faster than before Another battle left to fight Now I'm tired and defeated Conquering anything in its way Enormous change and danger awaits Ravaging my body more and more Can't you see this isn't the end Another hurdle but nothing more Never shut off the hopeful nature Changing the way I think and feel Everyone sees the smiles Relentlessly fighting to win this battle Cancer It's a beast A word never spoken Feared by all Conquered by many Battles lost by even more Now I'm fighting again The real question is Who will win

So... with that said... It's been a long hard emotional road and I have not really been sure of what was to come or what would be done. I have been dealing with cervical cancer for years and my body has been continually fighting it off again and again. I have had biopsies every few years and they have had to remove cancer cells.

The struggle this time around was that my doctor decided she was no longer capable of treating me and referred me out to a different doctor who could specialize in the areas necessary for proper treatment. Well duh this freaked me out! It's one of those moments where the floor falls out from underneath you and all you can do is feel yourself falling trying to grab ahold of something and never feeling yourself landing!

Well, I have landed. I went to the specialist last week and I got a lot of questions answered and we have a plan of action. There were a few things she said that really calmed me down, helped my feet find the ground and gave me peace!

"Your cells are slow growing and only return every few years, this is something that wouldn't be a major concern for a few years at least."

"There is nothing in your past health history that would lead me to believe you cannot have a child and anyone who has previously told you that did not know what they were talking about."

"We can manage any of your health problems during a pregnancy and it does not concern me a bit."

"You will have a baby before we make any major changes for you and I will make sure of that!"

At one point she even waved her hand in the air and said "This is nothing we cannot handle."

The sense of relief that I felt as I walked out of that office was tremendous. Of course this is a journey and it is never ending. Of course I have multiple follow up appointments, another biopsy, more staging, etc. But, there is nothing that cannot be tackled and she was exactly the person I needed to help me stand strong in that belief.

I have renewed hope and strength in the possibilities my future holds for being a mother and not just a mother figure. My heart has always longed for that possibility and for a long time I believed it was not possible. I have renewed belief that I will be healthy, strong, and live a long life.

There is nothing more trying or stressful on your body than the question of "will I make it?" Is there even a moment in your mind when you question if you will survive this or what will they have to take from you in order to make it through to the other side. A part of me could be taken forever and I was so afraid that it would make me less of a woman.

I know there are many people out there who have faced the battle before or are facing it now. There are many more that have watched their loved ones face the battle. Everyone's battle is different, it attacks a different part of your body, your treatment plan is different than others, your outcome is different than others. At some point you find peace. Last Wednesday as I was leaving the doctors office, I found that peace.

Knowing that I am not in control is the hardest battle I have to fight sometimes because I just want to make things better and bigger and happier. But, knowing I am not in control also is the easiest thing sometimes because I cannot change the outcome or undo the past. I cannot change what is happening inside my body and there is something so fearful and peaceful about all of that. The peace comes from the knowledge that there is something/someone bigger and greater than I that is in control and that can change the outcome, heal the wounds, and extract the poisons within my body.... If that is the plan. And my job is to keep on trucking, keep on swimming, keep on going until the day he says stop. I cannot let all of this bring me down, make me sad, or cause me stress. There is far more out there to be happy about and to enjoy. Whatever time I have to do that I will spend doing it!

Someone said to me the other night that "we only have one chance to make a go at this thing called life. What is it all unless it is a a good, effort filled, happy go? What is life without real joy?"

How right she is ... what is life without joy?! Don't let anyone or anything steal your joy! Keep fighting the battle, keeping trucking and swimming on. Just keep going because our battle has already been won for us, we are just getting stronger, wiser, and growing more along the way!

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Past

The past is a time that is no longer in existence. It is the time that has gone by and will no longer be. It cannot be undone or changed. It cannot be revisited. The past is sometimes where we wish we could be, but we will never be in the past again. Here are our options…

1. Present - which is existing or occurring now.
2. Future - the time following the present. The time that is still to come.

Even as you read this you have to realize that time is passing and you cannot get that time back, undo it, or redo it. Sometimes we forget this. Sometimes we wish we were in the past or we could take something back. But, we can't!

Here's the best part to all of this. There is a present and there is a future. This is what we should be focusing on. It's hard sometimes to focus on this when the past creeps up and tries to get into our present or our future, but the past is in the past for a reason.

Living in the present is so much fun! You get to experience everything that is going on and you don't miss anything because you are too busy focused on something else. I love when I get to come home and just worry about what is going on in that moment and not what happened yesterday or what will be happening tomorrow. Now don't get me wrong, I do plan things and the future does excite me! But, I don't sit down and keep pondering about what happened before and how it could have been better.

So many times in my life I have said that I do not regret my past. I have really tried to live with that ideology because it works the best for me. The past is the past and you cannot change it so why regret it? Of course there are things that you have done or choices that you have made that you wish you possibly hadn't, but this does not mean that you should change them.

Everything that I have done and every moment I have endured or experienced was something that shaped me into who I am. I am unfinished. I am always and ever changing. We all are. We have to accept sometimes just that. Accept who you are and who you have become. Be honest with yourself about all of this and make whatever changes you feel you need to make in your life to better yourself because you want to. Never make changes for other people, because then they aren't whole hearted and you will not be able to stick with it. Never try to be someone you are not, it won't work out.

I have had a long journey to get to where I am and who I am. I know I have a much longer journey ahead of me, but I know that I am on the right path. Always before I had questions for God or myself about where I was going or what I was doing. Now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no matter what happens or comes my way that I am where I am supposed to be and I am with who I am supposed to be with.

There are times in your life when the past will try to come back, but honestly, the past is in the past and it has no place in the present or the future. Move on. Live in the present and love it. Live for the future, dream and plan it! Be who you want to be and love you! Be where you want to be and love it!

Sometimes life, health, people, death will overpower you in a moment. Just remember that no matter what you are going through it's nothing compared to a mountain and we all know that with faith as small as a mustard seed, We Can Move Mountains! So move a mountain today! Don't let anything oversell you or take advantage of your heart or mind. I am learning this slowly but surely day in and day out. It is a difficult path to follow - this path of faith we are called to. Knowing that no matter what happens it is right because it is a part of God's plan or he is intending to use the outcome for His kingdom.

Every day we are growing, changing, molding, shaping. Be better than who you once were. Let go of what once was. Move on toward the future and keep your eyes focused on what is really important… The present of the future!

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Joy

Today I had a patient with disabilities in the office and she was just so precious. A happy person, so grateful of our help and so loving. She gave everyone hugs and just couldn't say thank you enough. 

Just before that we had a gentleman who talk about his daughter loosing her baby at 7 months pregnant still born. How she went through depression and is coming back to some level of emotional normalcy and wanting to try for another baby. 

Life is such a roller coaster - seeing the ins and outs of others lives and hearing their stories. Wanting to hug a 60 year old man who looks as if he's gonna break down in front of you because of his daughters struggles and loss. Actually hugging a 46 year old a bit later because she just can't get enough. 

Realizing the ultimate levels of joy an in spite of the hardships and sadness we may be going trough that there is something bigger and better out there waiting for us. A few days ago I tweeted about how our plans don't always line up with Gods plans. It was one of those shake your fist and God moments, only later to come back and just be in the presene of God and know everything will be okay. It might not be great, amazing, what we expected or even wanted, but it will be okay. 

Life goes on - with us or without us. We have to remember sometimes to dig ourselves out of that rut we are in and get back up and keep going. I was saying yesterday that I felt like I had nothing else to give - then suddenly I hear Dori in my head... "Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..." Haha. It's silly moments like that when you know God is there, nudging you along and reminding you that there's more here for you. 

What are you focused on? Are your eyes set straight I are they straying? What is His plan? 

Waiting

Not knowing or being unsure and having to wait is just am absolute buzz kill. Honestly, waiting is one of my weaknesses and I really struggle with it. Give me daily thing to have patience with and I'm fine, but life things that I have to wait for.... Not fine. 

This time I'm waiting for an appointment. Just a consultation, but the outcome could change me and my life forever. I long to be hopeful, but my struggle is  that I'm a realist and I know what weight this visit carries. I'm struggling with this let go and let God take control of the situation because I have a feeling I'm not going to like or agree with his plan... But then that's me behind a realist or pessimist instead of being hopeful or faithful. 

The waiting game really takes a toll on a person. On the mind, body, spirit... You want to be sure that nobody knows just how much inner turmoil you are facing and just the masking of it all is tiresome too. You have to be strong and courageous. Attempting to just be okay with how things are or will be... But on the inside all you want to do is mourn, be sad, and just hate the way things are. 

My body... If I could trade it in I would. Not because of my outward appearance, but because of how my body internally functions. I wonder sometimes why I'm the only on in my family who got all these ailments, but then I remind myself that I would have taken the burden any day for any if them if it meant they could live better. 

Such an ongoing struggle. I'm trying to combat the rheumatoid arthritis with eating well... So now I'm gluten free, dairy free, and sugar free. It's such a battle because it's not something I want to do but it's something I need to do. I have not yet found the joy in giving up everything .... But I'm sure that's part of the waiting game as well... Someday I will no longer crave these delicious foods I've been eating all my life...

Well, I presume it just all boils down to patience and willpower. How much if it do you have? How much do I have? And how much longer can I go before I crack, break, or go crazy... Lol. I guess that's a part of the waiting game too! 

In the meantime I am trying to focus on the positive and keep myself sidetracked by everything that's going on around me - like school or work or life in general - as stressful as it is, sometimes that helps. 

Still waiting... But I'm sure I'll update after I get some more answers....

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Publishing

oh the politics... lol

Sometimes I wonder what it takes to get your name on the cover of something and then I remember that there are so many politics involved and people to please. Even beyond that, sometimes you have no choice about what the publishers or editors do or how they do it. Then they go and remove all your pretty stuff you put in place to give your piece your touch and your vibe... not even thinking about the fact that they just removed your trademark.

Sometimes you get paid, but most of the time you do not. People think that being a published author is all this jazz, but I would much rather leave all the politics and a$$ kissing out of it and just be a writer instead of a published writer. I know that sounds silly and it makes no sense to most people, but what most people don't realize is that there is no money in publishing anyways, unless you make it big time a bunch of times.

Writing is something I do because I love doing it. I want to share it with the world because ... well... why not? If you have something to say then why keep it all to yourself? If you have a creative tendency of any kind - why keep it to yourself?

If you read my blog at all then you know that I self published a very raw unedited version of my story - not the entire story, but a life changing experience. I put it up on lulu.com and amazon.com and while I know people have read it, I have not made a dime on it and I most likely never will. My purpose of writing it was not to make money on it, but to share an experience so that others out there know they are not alone. It is hard for so many people to turn themselves inside out and become vulnerable, but we have to do it in order to be genuine.

Last semester I submitted to NEIU (my school) for their SEEDS publication and a few of my poetry pieces were selected. This was awesome I thought, but it was such a test of my patience and artistic self to undergo the crap that the editing team put at me ... such as ... it's too self centered... it's too much I.. they just don't like it... ugh!! Well, what else would something I write be about other than me?? lol. But then they published me anyways with a couple new submissions and I just took it because it's not about me, it's about the audience.

This semester my editor friend published one of my poems in the NEIU newspaper. I was gushing (to my self of course in the privacy of my own car) when I saw this in the SEEDS corner of the school newspaper. I'm sure not too many people pick that up and read it, but I was excited that anyone who did would see something I had written and would get to experience that. It's just a whole new idea to think of other people trying to think on or understand what you write and why you write it.

Then there was the SEEDS submission for this semester, which I submitted a couple chapters from the book I am currently working on (Hungry for More) and another poem. They of course rejected the poem - I am sure it was because it was too self centered and all... lol. But they did accept my submission for my book excerpt. This was that much more exciting. I would love to hear people's feedback on what I am writing and whether it is even something that would be enjoyed... but then again here we are with a reality check and understanding that nobody is going to give me feedback and I should be proud just to have it published in the schools SEEDS publication this semester.

I do think it is interesting to sit back and ponder the idea of what others think when they are reading your work. Like we sit in our English classes and scrutinize the works we are reading - trying to figure out what some writer meant when she was talking about the struggle of wearing her flippers as she climbed down the rungs of a ladder to the ocean... of course she couldn't have been talking so literally and meant she was actually doing that at all - she had to have been talking about her inner struggles - the rungs being what she was going through and the ocean being the unknown of what was to come... ugh!!

Can't a sea just be a sea and a ladder just be a ladder. This makes me want to jump off a ladder into the sea sometimes (and I mean that literally). It's funny how we think we are so much smarter or that someone is that much more unique because we read into something that might never have been meant that way.

Then that gets me thinking about why I want to publish at all, but here is the vicious cycle of wanting to be heard and wanting others to enjoy what you are writing and what you have to say. So what my periods and commas aren't placed where you would like them to be, maybe I did that on purpose or maybe I wanted to add a dramatic pause. But, by golly my writing be different than a cookie cutter because in order for it to be published it has to look like everyone else's work.

Oh the woes of the world of writers. So here I am just blogging about it instead of sending hate mail to the person who has offended me by removing my artistic pauses and period/comma placements. Because when all is said and done - the editors are the ones who control what gets published and how it gets published. Any back talk or refusal to cooperate with what they says or their opinion and you run the risk of getting your work removed from the publishing line....

Now tell me... does that involve stress at all?! Because when I dreamed of writing I always thought I would be sitting at a desk looking out a window at the mountains and beautiful lakes with my Macbook in front of me typing away avidly, all the while holding a coffee or tea in my hand and hearing the loves of my life running and dancing around me. <- Now edit that! lol.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Time

Time is a funny concept. Sometimes it moves quickly, other times slow. At times we may feel as if time is basically standing still or we can feel our lives flash before our eyes or we think we are seeing the future. Sometimes we want to be frozen in time because we never want that moment to stop or go away. I always feel like time is moving by so quickly and if I do not grab ahold of something or freeze time then I will miss out on one thing or another. It is likely because I always overload my schedule and overwork myself, but I don't really know why I am always feeling like this.

Yesterday I felt like I had a moment and really got to ask myself what I was excited for or looking forward to...

Rest!!! This was the first thing that came to mind. A little vacation getaway in July to the mountains and fresh air. A little sun and water time with no responsibilities or stress for an entire week (hopefully).

Graduation!!! Not that I will be done with school, but this will be a huge accomplishment a long time coming. I am really excited this is finally approaching soon!

Grad school!!! Eek! This feels like it is so far away, but I know it will be here before I know it and I have to pick a place to further my education. It is so difficult and costs so much money to even apply to schools, but I really want to get the ball rolling on this. I did have one open house visit already, but feeling like maybe I should schedule at least one more.

Future planning!!! I cannot even express my excitement about all of this enough, but I am just so very excited for what is to come! I am so ready and just cannot wait!

Here's the thing... all of this is within the next year or so and I know it will have come and gone before I know it. I wonder how much I will really appreciate the time I have and how much I will pack more in just to get thing done and out of the way?!

So - what does that time look like? Is it quality time? Is it time suffocated by obligations?

I have found that intentional time is the best time. Time well spent intentionally focused on getting the best outcome possible is so very rewarding. What conversations are had and when they are had. What time is spent and what is planned for that time. Sometimes we think that just being together is enough, but it needs to be intentional time spent together. That makes the difference between quality and just quantity. You can spend hours with someone, but unless they are intentional hours, that was a waste of time.

I have really been focusing a lot lately on how I am spending my time and why I always feel like I am running out of it. I know I do a lot of driving, I also work full time and attend university full time. I have a family to help take care of and friends to spend time with. It is often difficult to divide my time in a way that I don't feel like I am sacrificing something. But I assume it is because my heart is in everything that I do that I often feel as if I am giving something up to do something else.

It's funny when you question what you should do and a child tells you that you have to pick what is most important to you.... lol... Well, if only it were that easy. What I want to do and what I need to do are not always on the same page with one another. For instance, this time I am spending blogging, should be allocated for writing term papers, but I am procrastinating on that one... lol. Sometimes you just need to get something out before you can make room for anything else.

Someday I am not doing to have school and work and life and everything else and I honestly think I will be lost and not know what to do with myself because I will have spare time...

Spare time.. what is that? lol. So my first step to recovering pieces of me and my mind is blogging. I know I was away for a while, but I am trying to set intentional time aside to blog, get my fingers typing and my mind flowing so that I can just unwind a little. But also to set a schedule and make the time I have far more effective because it is intentional time.

When was the last time you spent intentional time? What did you do? Why?

Monday, April 7, 2014

How do you love?

Love means a many different things to different people, but at the core of it we all find ourselves searching for love of some kind. There are many resources out there to teach you what your "love language" is and what others may be. There are so many ways for us to learn about ourselves and other people. Do we use these resources? Do we use what we already know? Or do we remain selfish and continue on this path of trying to fill up our love before we fill up others? 

It is difficult to love others sometimes, but we are called to do it no matter what. It's funny to try to teach this to a child, especially one who is a pre-teen. What do you mean I have to still love her even though she ruined my artwork, crushed my toys, or called me names? What do you mean I still have to love him even though he was mean to me or ignored me in the hallway? To adults: What do you mean I still have to love him even after he hurt me? What do you mean I still have to love her even after she broke my heart? What do you mean I still have to love even after I was made to look a fool in front of my boss? 

It's difficult to learn to love even when we don't like. It is so very easy to forget about what love is when we are hurting or empty. When we have nothing left to give and yet we are still called to give more. Where does that come from? That never ending supply of love that we are supposed to be giving out? 

What does love mean to you? 

I could say that a kiss could change the way I was feeling loved. Coming home after a long day of work and not having to clean or cook dinner (I have been loving myself this way for a long time = takeout!!) I know that I feel loved through words of affection and endearment. I know that little notes here and there left behind just put a smile on my face and make a world of a difference. 

I could turn around and do these things for other people, but they might not feel the same level of love that I do. They might just see expectations being met, not exceeded, not surprised by actions or words, etc. It is difficult to find what works and doesn't work. And sometimes it is not as simple as asking because people might not know themselves well enough to answer that question. 

Love is... 
I love those little strips that give millions of ideas for what love is. Some of them are silly, some of them are romantic, and others are down right adorable. 

How do you love? 

Do you love selfishly or selflessly? Do you give back what has been given to you? Do you love with  judgement or no judgement? 

Love your neighbor as yourself -  it's the second greatest commandment. And what does that mean? How are we supposed to be loving? 

How do you love yourself? How are you allowing yourself to be loved? How are you loving others? 

Think about how your life could change if you loved yourself differently. Think about how the lives of those around you could change just by simply loving them. What do you think the world would look like if we just loved everyone the same?

We could talk about world peace, equality, love, justice, etc. But what would all of that look like if we just loved first? Why is there so much hate, dislike and distrust? 

How do you love? How could you love differently? How could your loving differently change your life and the lives around you?

Think about it.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Who's in your bed?

So ... who's in your bed?

Not under your bed like the boogie man or on your bed like bed bugs, but in your bed with you?! It's funny often this topic comes up or doesn't come up and should be talked about. It seems as if talking about sex is uncomfortable, but having sex isn't so uncomfortable? How is that? If something is so good then why is it so bad to talk about? I know what you might be thinking... well sex is private and it is just between me and the person that I love. But is that really the case?

Think about it this way... there are at least three people in your bed. You, the person you love, and God. That is, there are only three people if both participants are virgins and have never partook in any  level of physical intimacy before. But now let's think about what happens when you start to realize that you have had sex before and your partner has had sex before.... start adding all those people into the bed with you and things start to get crowded. Is this why nobody wants to talk about sex anymore? Because talking about how many people are in that bed with you is an uncomfortable subject? Or because you are ashamed and don't want God or your partner to know the truth?

NEWSFLASH!!! God already knows... and no relationship should be based on any sort of lie if you want it to succeed.

So ... who's in your bed?

When is the right time or appropriate time to be in a bed with anyone other than yourself?

When I think about this I cannot help but hear my father's voice ringing in my head.... "Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of your soul". He would always say that quoting Proverbs 4:23. I used to roll my eyes at my father, but now I know what he meant and why he used to say that to me over and over again. Because he loved me! My earthly father and my heavenly Father had a few things in common. One of them, they loved me so dearly and wanted me to guard my heart. Another thing was that they both had my best interests at heart and were obviously wiser than me at any age.

I remember being younger and thinking that people did not understand what I was going through or these feelings I was feeling. How could God make something so good and keep it away from us? Why would God say no to something that was a way to show how much you loved another person?

There is something about having sex that brings two people together, God refers to it as two becoming one (1Corinthians 6:16). Every time you have sex with someone you leave a piece of you with them and you take a piece of them with you. There is a connection that is formed that cannot be undone. God wants us to guard our hearts. He wants to protect us from loosing ourselves to others who are not there to stay, who are not committed in his eyes, and who will break our hearts and our souls for that matter. God doesn't want us to be distracted. He wants us to be focused on what is before us and it is not a man or woman, there is a bigger picture than that.

Think about how many times you have dated. Think about how many of those boys or girls you have been intimate with. Now think about how many of those people broke your heart and took a piece of you with them and left you with a piece of their own baggage. Now think about how much lighter your load would be if you had not made that choice. If you had been with one less person. Think about what your life would look like and how you could prepare for your future mate in a way that preserves your heart, mind and soul for just them.

Now I know and have been on the other end of the purity talk. I have been given the abstinent speech and have endured many years of preaching on what would happen to me if I did not stay pure or make the right decisions. In my life at one point I did wear a purity ring. I even had this goal of staying pure for my future husband so that I could give my whole self to him and not just the leftovers from whatever I could mangle together from the pieces left behind. If you know me or have read my blog or my book, then you know that obviously did not happen. There are bad people in this world who make bad decisions that affect us. There are circumstances that are out of our control. Either way, after that happened, I could have still turned around and recommitted myself to this idea of purity and this conviction in my heart to do what I knew was right. I chose not to.

So here I am, a sinner, talking to you all about this very sin. I have been there. I have done this. I have pieces scattered that I can never get back and my future husband will not get all of me and our wedding bed will have more than just three. But even if you are in this place I want to encourage you because there is never a time in your life that you can't just stop in your tracks, turn the other way and live differently. Nobody ever said it would be easy, but if you are willing it can be done. Mind you, it will be challenging and it will be trying, but it will be worth it.

"Two are better than one... If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three stands is not quickly broken" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).

So here we are back at the beginning. God thinks two is better than one and encourages us to be with one another, in order to keep each other strong and protect each other. A cord of three - representing you, your partner, and God is not easily broken because God binds it together. You must know that the entire book of Song of Songs is about a husband and wife, how they love each other, and can be pretty graphic in their descriptions. This is God's way of saying that love and sex are phenomenal things - in the context of marriage.

When I was younger I had a friend who started a journal. She wrote letters to her future husband. She told him how much she was preparing herself for him and preparing her life. She wanted to ensure that she was whole and pure, able to present herself with as little baggage as possible. She kept writing to him throughout her life even after she met him and married him. On her wedding night she gave him that journal. They cried together and there was a bond formed that could have never been formed any other way.

I wrote a blog: Dear Future. It was a snip it of what I think of, pray for, and yearn for in a future. My future husband that is. I have on multiple occasions written little things like that in a way to encourage myself that it is a good thing to pray about what will be and know that I am preparing myself for that.

How can you prepare yourself for your future husband or wife if you are too worried about who is in your bed? How can you focus on what you need to do, who you are or need to become if you are too worried about what boy or girl you are going out with this weekend?

There are times when it is good to be alone. You must allow yourself to replenish, run a self checkup and ensure you are whole as a person. You cannot give love to anyone else unless you first love yourself. If your love tank is empty then there is nothing left to give. This is unfair to your partner and unfair to you... it only puts you in a hard place that is challenging and opens you up for future harm. Trust me when I say that love is not everything and love is not enough.

So the next time someone tries to push you to do something because they "love you", then be sure to respond... "then you will understand that because I love you and want our relationship to be a healthy one I must say no".... DO NOT ever let anyone persuade you to do something you are not confident is the right thing. And just know that the right thing is not always the thing you want to do. Most of the time we are tempted with amazing things, because who would be tempted by something that was not amazing? Obviously.

"Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure" (Hebrews 13:4)

Think about it... who's in your bed? Who do you want in your bed? How do you want to prepare yourself for a blessing filled marriage? What kind of an example do you want to set for yourself and others? How do you want to start your relationship of right?

Understand me when I say that I am a sinner. I have been there and this is why I appreciate God, his radical mercy and forgiveness more than others. There is not a moment that we are weak that God is not with us. He tells us, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" and I says "That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in perceptions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

There is no other way to conquer this than to set yourself up for success. DO NOT be afraid to set boundaries and have difficult challenging discussions. This is the only way you will ensure your success and that you will also be help accountable for it all. Get yourself a friend who has the same beliefs that you can talk to, that you can vent to, but that is able to breathe life back into you and keep you on the right path.

The objective of all of this is to force yourself to connect with another human being in a loving intimate way that does not involve sex or sexual actions. I know this sounds crazy, but it can be done. In doing research for this blog I ran across another that I found very insightful. A young woman writes about 8 ways to beat sexual temptation. How she did it and I found this information very insightful. There are a lot of things each individual can do and should do in order to not be a distraction to the person they love. There are a lot of things the couple needs to do together in order to help strengthen their bond and ensure they make it through this temptation filled battle field.

Honestly, I feel like anything else, Satan is preying on the hearts and minds of us all in a way that we cave very easily. We are physical creatures. We are sexual creatures. We enjoy company of others and physical touch is such a significant way to show love and affection. It is interesting how large of a bond you are able to form without that final act of physicality that should only be tied with marriage.

So... who's in your bed? What do you want to change about this scenario? How can you make the changes and allow yourself to grow?

Monday, February 3, 2014

Can't stop writing...

I know it's been a while since I have posted, but I haven't stopped writing. I've been busy as a bee this semester. A lot consuming my time. But... I wanted to share some of my stuff. 

#stepsmatter 

Steps matter
Right foot
Then left
More than a crawl

We cheer for babies 
But we forget
As we get older 
Steps matter 

Steps change us
Ladder call us
Rungs raise us
Higher and farther than before

Baby step
Happy skip
Giant leap
Lonesome trudging 

One step 
Then two
Forward or back
We keep moving 

More than before
Just don't stand still
Make the change 
Steps matter 

#birdorme

If I were a bird
I'd fly away
Spread my wings
Wind sweeping through my feathers 

The sun rays dancing 
Quick right or left to catch them
Wings waltzing
Wind gusting 

Clouds cover the sky
Raindrops start to fall
Find a tree
Take cover

Oh no 
Now I'm prey
Stuck here 
Nowhere to go

Is flying worth it
Is this really freedom
Is being human better
Who am I prey to then

If I were a bird
I wouldn't want to be a bird
So I'll just stay me
I love who I am

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Hopes and disappointments

There are time in your life when you face a certain road and are unsure which way you will be taken. One side is safe and planned for and the other is definitely bumpy and unsure. 

Recently I faced a path such as this / there were hopes and disappointments attached to both sides. While one path would have been completely bumpy and unplanned - it would have offered something no other path could have brought on. At first the sight of this path was scary, stressful, and anxiety ridden ... But soon the idea of this path became full of joy, excitement, and opportunity. Then of course upon realization that the safe and planned path had been chosen for me, there was a bit of disappointment that sunk in. Of course there was a sense of relief for the lack of change and other stress entailed, but also disappointment. 

Now - we are never prepared or planned enough for half of the circumstances we encounter in life. Sometimes we start to want something that isn't planned for us, we begin to get hopeful and focused - only to find disappointment waiting around the corner when we don't go the way we would like. 

Keep calm and carry on... A phrase common to everyone. But I would say stay strong and fight on. Life is going to cause you to face battles and you will have to warrior through. Just know that there will be no disappointment here because we have hope in the win that had already taken place. 

I know that God ison my side even though I don't always do as I'm supposed to or make the right or wise decisions. I know that no matter what there is no need to stress or be anxious because He will take care of it for me.

Some days I have so much on my mind I just have to sit and breathe it all out and breathe something new in because when we try to handle things on our own it all just gets too overwhelming. 

So now I will hope for the future that whatever is planned for me - I will do. And whatever I want - I will not see disappointment when it does not come to fruition. 

I have a plan for you declares The Lord - a plan to prosper you and not to harm you! 

Believe this. Have faith in it. And He will see you through anything!