Saturday, August 3, 2013

Why Marry?

I have recently had multiple conversations about this topic... some of the answers have been awesome and some of them have been disturbing. I wonder what other people are thinking out there and why no one is really able to be honest with themselves about how they really feel.

I was married once - obviously if you read far enough back into this blog you can read from the beginning of that into the struggles, and through the healing. I was married for a short while before I figured out the man I thought I had married was actually a deceitful fraud and I was in a tough situation. I was scared and fearful of my situation for many reasons, but I was also disappointed in myself for not seeing any signs sooner. I thought he was a nice guy and I wasn't going to find anyone better and he was good enough. I would settle for him and things would be just fine. I was happy with my life and he didn't weigh to heavily on that happiness either way so I would be okay if he was in my life or not in my life, but I was tired of being alone and I was comfortable being with him. So, when he asked me to marry him - I was shocked and really didn't want to say yes, but I didn't want to say no and pass up that opportunity either - so I just stood there in shock and let him put the ring on my finger. He obviously took that as a yes - everything else just happened so fast. Before I knew it, I was sitting in a wedding dress waiting to walk up some stairs and marry this man. Saying "I do" for what I thought would be the rest of my life. I was so scared. I was anxious. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to run! But I thought that was just the cold feet or wedding jitters. I guess it was my heart telling me that something wasn't right, but I thought it was too late. I couldn't walk out now with all those people there. I had to follow through. So I did. I put on a smile and walked up the stairs. I walked down the isle and said I do. I committed myself knowing it would be a hard road, but I was willing to work at it no matter what because that was the type of person I was. I gave everything I was - everything I had left in me. Time passed and I realized that I had nothing left to give. I couldn't set this example for my sisters and let them think it was okay to be with a man that was abusive. I could not let them see me so depressed, sad, joyless all the time. I tried to resolve things through counseling but he kept lying - when the counselor confronted him about lying his response was - "Well, ya. I guess I lied. I didn't want to tell the truth." - Over and over again we would end up back at the same place until finally the counselor told us that either something had to change or this was helpless. It was helpless. Now I have to deal with the consequences of making that decision to be married, the decision to be divorced, and whatever decisions follow.

I have a friend who is married - he isn't happy. He tells me his marriage was a decision of ease and comfort. She was a good friend, he loved her and was comfortable with her. When the time came to purpose or break up - it was easier to purpose .... Now it is hard and uncomfortable. Because when two people aren't really in love and willing to make it work. Willing to compromise and give to the other person what they need to survive in that marriage - it makes for a very uneasy and uncomfortable situation. He loves her and doesn't want to hurt her, but he isn't happy and I am sure neither is she. What a conundrum - just live unhappy forever because you don't want to hurt someone. Don't you realize you are hurting each other every day by stealing each other's happiness and joy?

I have another friend who is married - he married out of necessity. It didn't follow the childhood rhyme that we all know - first comes love then comes marriage then comes the baby in the baby carriage. Things happened a little backwards for them and because she was pregnant with his child he wanted to be the good man and do the right thing. He married her. Now he is miserable. She is controlling him and drawing a wedge between him and his family. What is more important? Having a relationship with his family or having a relationship with his child? That is the choice that he has been forced to make! Why do we get ourselves in these toxic situations and relationships?

I have another friend who is married - he claims he loves his wife, but he steps out on her all the time. He says he loves her and she is a great mother to his children, and it's not that she is not enough - he just needs more. He has no intention of leaving her and would never want her to find out about his actions because he does not want her to be hurt. Why is he married in the first place if one woman is not enough for him? Because he said he wanted a family and she would be a great mother. So he picked her. Why can one woman not be enough for a man?

I have another friend who is married - his marriage is falling apart and in the middle of a divorce. He started dating another woman before his divorce was final - but the woman he was dating had no idea he was still married. All along she thought he was divorced and available. He now is madly in love with this woman and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. But, he still is not divorced.

Why marry? When I sit back and look at all these stories and many more that I have and know - I just ponder on the question. I don't understand why people make the decisions they make and then cannot make the hard decisions later on.

I know that I will marry again because I need companionship in my life. I love loving others and I know that I was made to be with another human being. While I can enjoy moments of solitude now and again - I cannot be alone for the rest of my life and I look forward to the day when a man will ask me to be his wife and truly will love me and want to be with me. He won't just be asking because he doesn't want me to be with anyone else, he will be asking because he cannot imagine his life without me a part of it. This next time around though I am sure to be caught in Vegas or on an island - not in a wedding dress walking down an isle.

God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him... God made a woman." Genesis 2: 18,27

God knew that when he created us we were not meant to be alone and he created another so that there would be a pair. Pairs are how we are meant to live. But, we should be sure we choose wisely in our decisions - who we marry should be a life long commitment. I never wanted to have to make that decision twice, but I surely will not make a mistake the second time around. I just want anyone to know that it is never too late to walk away. Even if you are standing outside the door of the church - you can walk away. If the person inside really loves you and you realize you have made a mistake, they will forgive you and you can figure something out. If you realize you made the right decision, then you have not committed yourself to someone for the rest of your life. There is no amount of money or family members feelings that is worth that type of commitment.

You can be a great father without being married to the mother of your child.
You can be a great friend and love that person without marrying them.
You can find someone who will be a great mother for your children, but who will also be enough for you.

I do not believe there is just one person out there for us, I do not believe in soul mates or anything like that. I do believe that we make our own futures and we pave them out based on decisions we make.

What are you going to do?

Don't say Yes just because you want to be an MRS! Be sure you want to be his MRS because you will be stuck with him forever! Stop thinking divorce is an option before you are even married. Divorce is not an option. We are not even there. This is a societal view, not a biblical view. Sometimes life give you lemons and you just can't make lemonade, well - then you better figure out how to at least make lemon water... because you can't keep squeezing something out of nothing - or nothing out of something - You have to give in order to take.

Why did you get married? Why are you still married?

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