have you ever played a game of tug a rope? you know that game where there are two teams trying to pull each other into the middle where usually there is a pile of mud or something awful? sometimes both teams end up pulling so hard and giving up at the same time that the tension and give way of the rope pulls them all down and into the middle. then both teams and the rope end up in the pile of mud.
this is how i feel a lot of times. like i am being pulled in two different directions. most of the time it is my heart and head pulling me two different ways. sometimes it is myself and my family/friends thoughts/beliefs pulling me two different ways. but no matter what the struggle is .... the point is - im still struggling here.
fighting to stay afloat. fighting to not fall into the mud pit. fighting to make sure that i can make it out alive and keep moving forward and in the right direction. fighting to stay alive. heels dug into the ground pulling with all my might ... rope burns forming on my hands from the rope slipping slightly. trying to regain balance and ground. trying to regain more rope and re-brace myself on the soft wet muddy earth. i feel myself slipping. i feel myself coming down. both sides colliding together in the mud pit.
it's too much work - it's too hard to fight. it's too hard to keep up this constant turmoil. pulling back and forth always trying to choose a side and figuring out a winner and looser.
I'm sure every person has felt a little like this in their life at some point. Life can sometimes be a game of tug-a-rope. We win some and we loose some. We get hurt, fall down, bruise our knees, egos, hearts, heads, and then we get back up - brush ourselves off and start again. The funny thing is that we keep jumping back in line for that same game of tug-a-rope even though we know the risks, dangers, and hardships we will incur. We are people of habit - people of repeating history. We don't enjoy pain, but we know how to endure it and most of us feel as if we deserve it at some point in our life so we take it on as some form of punishment or another. We keep fighting these endless battles and we keep loosing because they are not battles we are meant to be fighting to begin with.
Next time - before you get in line for that same tug-a-rope ... think about what you are risking - think about what you are putting on the line. Is the energy, turmoil and hardship worth it all?
This past week I was faced with my own choice. Something that I struggled with back and forth. I really struggled with my heart and head. Of course my head won because my head is logical and my heart lost because my heart is emotional. My head thinks of the future and what is just and right, while my heart thinks only of the present and near future and emotions that will affect me in that timeframe. This was a difficult decision for me because I have to consider it a tie - because there was a win and a loss. I struggle most with this because I will likely question my decision many times, I will second guess myself, and I will sit back and ponder the multiple "what if" statements.
But just as any other tug-a-war .... the battle is over... i am not defeated. Though I may be down, bruised, hurt, broken, whatever - I will just keep moving because that is the best thing to do in a moment like this. Just keep going - till you don't realize that you are a robot in motion anymore and you are actually living again.
Tug-a-rope... who knew it could be so challenging?