Sadness overwhelms my heart spilling into my soul tonight. I cannot even begin to explain this depth of emotions I am faced with. A dear friend of mine tonight is faced with a devastating experience that brings memories surfacing that I have done well keeping buried below. Tonight the tipping point has been reach and my heart overflows. She will give birth to her baby, but she isn't far enough along to get a birth certificate from the hospital. Even though she can name her baby, hold her baby, and make all these other decisions for and about her baby... the hospital does not rule the baby far enough along to give an official birth certificate.
I am broken hearted.
Though I have faced similar situations, I have never had to face labor to hold a still child that I can look down on and know I will never be able to look upon again. It is moments like this that I feel there was a reason my miscarriages happened so early on that I was not faced with that type of devastation or decision making on my own.
My first time I was young - all I remember was sickness, pain, and red.... lots and lots of red.... I had thought this would be a good thing. Something or someone who would save me from the devastation I was already facing, but then I realized that this baby would only bring me more devastation because (s)he would only be a memory. I never got to hold my baby, wonder what life would be like, plan baby showers, names, futures... but I also didn't have anyone to help me do all of this and I would have been alone.
Another time I thought it was a mistake. I didn't even realize I had been pregnant but again there were the same symptoms - sickness, pain, and red... lots of red... It was all confirmed at the hospital yet again... except this time I had a phone call to make. It was Christmas time and I didn't have any desire to even have these emotions or be forced to make this call. But ... I did. At first he didn't know what to say, but then he thought about the idea of being a dad. We talked about what life would have looked like if we'd had a child together, gotten married, lived together etc. It was a good, but sad conversation. I know that after it sunk in he was devastated too. The weekend after I was at his place just hanging out and all of a sudden there was the sound of a baby crying that came onto the tv.... I couldn't handle it. I started bawling. All I could think about was that I would never hear my baby cry. I would never be able to comfort my baby. He just held me and was my shoulder to cry on. He comforted me and stayed with me through this tough time. We bonded over this experience more than any bond I have formed with any other man .... ever.
It was not too long after this that I discovered from the doctors that I was not able to have children. Basically, the more miscarriages a person has, the less likely it is for them to actually go full term. Also, I have an auto immune deficiency disorder that causes my body to treat a baby as an enemy and will continually cause a miscarriage. If that isn't enough, there is a blood clotting issue that affects a growing child, myself, and child birth. If I did miraculously carry a child full term, it would be extremely high risk and it would be likely that either myself or the baby would die during childbirth.
How can you possibly hear this news as such a young woman when all your life to this point you have thought of nothing but being a mother and raising your children. Now I will never have this chance. I will never get that opportunity to grow life inside of me, feel my baby kick, go through the pains of childbirth, have that joyful experience of hearing my baby's first cry, holding my child against myself .... An experience that many people take for granted, but those who will never get it understand the value.
But, this is just the way the cookie crumbles. People can tell you all day long that things happen for a reason and I can only hope to agree. I have to believe there is a reason why my babies did not live and why my friend's baby did not live. I have to just pray because sometimes there is nothing else to do.... There is nothing else that can get you through. The more often bad things happen, the more often I realize we are not in control ... of anything... not even the way the cookie is crumbling. We can try to catch it, try to clean it up, try to keep it off the floor, but we cannot control it and we cannot keep it from happening.