Wednesday, June 26, 2013

The battle within

There is a battle going on within all of us. For some it may be mental, emotional, physical, or a combination of those. For me right now my struggles are physical and emotional. The physical is mostly causing the emotional battle and that will make sense the more I explain, but it's really a battle that I am loosing at this point. I know I have been silent for a few days and it is really because I have been struggling over what to write or how to write it. I know that this is a place of brutal honesty and so I am going to keep it that way. My vulnerability is going to be taken up a notch here and I am going to be exposing myself even further. This is my battle and I have decided to share it.

Around March/April I started feeling sick on and off. I wasn't sure if it was the flu or what was wrong, but I figured I was just catching what everyone else had and I would get over it. There were a few time I felt like I had kicked it and I would feel better, then I would feel worse over night again. Eventually, I gave in and went to the doctor, which if you know me you know this is a big deal to me. I really do not like the doctor, nor do I like consuming medications that are basically approved toxins by the FDA for the pharmacies and doctors to pump into our bodies to "heal" us... (but that's a conversation for another day). The doctors thought I had strep, they thought I have a bacterial infection, they tested... I didn't have strep - they sent me home. A week later I was still sick - called up the dr and they gave me the Z-pack. That didn't work either. Long story short I ended up in the hospital May 10-14. You can read all about everything in a few posts In Sickness and in health; Baby Steps; and Accomplishments.

Now here we are June 26... a month and a half later and I am still battling physically symptoms of these infections as well as new developments.

1. I have recently been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis, which is an auto immune deficiency disorder that attacks the joints. It's different from older age arthritis that hits you when your joints are wearing out due to wear and tear and older age. Rheumatoid Arthritis affects the lining of your joints, causing pain, swelling, and eventual bone erosion and joint deformity. My immune system mistakenly attacks my own body tissues and joints due to the auto immune disorder. This also causes me to feel tired and weak at times.
2. My migraines have reactivated. Except this time they are different than they were before and they present differently with different symptoms and different side effects. All of this is new for me and I don't know what to expect. It's a little scary. I am on new medications for this and am currently being treated. This treatment seems to be working thus far - so we will see.
3. I have most recently presented with some neurological symptoms that really scare me the most. I am struggling cognitively and neurologically. In the past week I have presented with symptoms that have really come out of nowhere and do not fit in with the rest of the puzzle at all...
       A. There are scissors sitting in across the desk and I try to ask a coworker to pass me the scissors, but I cannot place the word for scissors. I see them and know I should know that word, but I don't know what the object is.
       B. I am in the middle of a sentence and drop off, or randomly begin to stutter and cannot complete the sentence. I am forced to completely stop the sentence and restart.
       C. If I am in the middle of a conversation, I will be staring at someone and they will be speaking to me. I am aware they are speaking to me, but I am not comprehending anything that they are saying. I have to interrupt them and ask them to start over and repeat themselves.
       D. I am normally a puzzle person and can demolish them in matters of minutes. I normally writes schedules for work in no time. A task that would normally take me less than an hour took me five hours the other day. This is concerning.
       E. My taste buds are changing - this is really weird... I really have no idea what this is related to at all!
4. The doctors are running all sorts of medical tests to find answers, and we have gotten a lot of negative results back, which are good, but that just leaves a lot of unanswered questions.

SO - The battle physically within is really taking a toll. Not only is it taking a toll physically and trying on my body. I am tired, weak, physically empty, but I am also getting there emotionally as well. I have been holding up pretty well this entire time. Just trying to take all of this in at stride as we go, but it is all getting a little overwhelming and there is just so much happening that I don't know where to go from here or what to do now.

Emotionally I feel overwhelmed. I feel weak. I feel tired. I feel scared. I feel beat down. I feel empty.

I know that is a lot for one person to express, but I don't know how else to describe what it is I am feeling at this time. I just feel like I have been battling for so long and I thought there would be an end to this battle. Some sort of victory or resolution, but there just seems to be another battle brewing over the hill every time I think I am finally almost done...

Yesterday as I was walking out to my car I spilled my entire bottle of water in my purse and on my - in an attempt to prevent this I ended up spilling my oatmeal on myself as well. I had to go back inside my apartment and change. Then i had to dump all the stuff out of my purse in my car floor and try to get it to dry before I got to work. When I got to work and was getting out of the car, I caught my toes on the door side cup holder and jammed them while the guy in his car next to me laughed. Then I went on a break to DQ to get ice cream and the guy didn't give me a lid for my blizzard (i should have known better) and the blizzard spilled all in the cup holder center console. Then when I was trying to walk back in the building it was like a random wind tunnel forced the doors closed because I was tugging and tugging on the doors to open and it took all my brute strength to open the front doors to the building. And that was just yesterdays mishaps...

So here I sit on my couch in pain ... giving myself a pep talk mentally for my next move. I know that I have to get to bed soon because I have a lot day ahead of me tomorrow. I know that I have to work all day and it's going to be trying on me physically and mentally. I know that I will be hurting at the end of the day and I am trying to prepare myself for all of that now.

It's really difficult to think that I am a very young 27... and I am talking about preparing myself for a long workday full of pain because my body doesn't function the way that it should and the doctors don't really know why. Really all of the questions and lack of answers is adding to my battle. I shouldn't need a pep talk to get off the couch, out of bed, off to work, or to walk up and down the stairs. These things should just happen, they shouldn't be difficult for me. But then I just have to remind myself that is the "old self" talking and this is the "new self". This is what life is like now and these are the battles I must face. Some day this might be better, someday there might be answers, there may be treatment plans or whatnot, but today there is not and it is just this way.

No comments:

Post a Comment