Thursday, May 30, 2013

Looking back

Recently I finished working on my first book. I still have a long way to go with publishing, finding a publisher and all that jazz. One thing I did was go back and browse through my saved files on my computer. I have all my journals, poetry, blogs, and such saved from high school on my computer....

O Boy!

So it was interesting to say the least, but I couldn't believe the things I posted online, said in my blogs, wrote in my private journals, or thought back then. It was a little rough to read through, but it was raw and honest. I was brought back to the days of a broken young girl who was so very lost and did not know what to do or where to go. I had so much fear in my life and so many questions. I don't think that ever changes, but I do believe life has become a little bit more understandable as the years have passed and experiences have allowed wisdom to shine into my life.

I had multiple posts per day most days. Most of my blogs were midnight rants about not understanding the ways of the world. My poetry was sad and empty, broken, so hurt and lost. My journals asked all the questions I really wanted answered but were afraid to ask anyone or let anyone know they were questions I was even asking. I also had a lot of rage inside of me. A lot of unhealed wounds.

What inspires healing? What causes or allows it?

Sometimes I wonder what was the changing point in my life? I mean... the point that brought me back. The point that took me from darkness to light. The moment in my life where I decided life was worth living and it was actually a happy and joyful life that I wanted to live.

I think about the moment when I was laying, staring at the ceiling one night, wondering why yet another man had walked out on me and left me without explanation. I was suffering in more than one way, struggling with addiction, broken heart, and questioning all the ways I was meant to continue on. In that moment I made a decision... I would just keep going. I would live life one day at a time and try to stop filling this hole inside me with the love of other men and material things.

Such a moment like this in life was I believe a turning point for me early on because it allowed me to realize that I deserved more than that sadness and emptiness that I was being faced with. I was stuck in this dark place as a victim. I was the girl who had been through so much and just didn't know when the good life would come along. I became the girl who survived my past and was able to move on to something bigger and better.

Now I am able to look back on all of this and see how far I have come. Just know that I have a story to share and that so many others out there are facing the same struggles that I have faced in my past and still face to this day. I wonder some times what will come of my life and how this will all turn out, but then I remember that I can spend hours, days, years guessing and wondering or I can spend that same time being active making it all happen.

So - here is to making it happen! Let's be active and make it happen. Because nothing ever happened while you were sitting on the couch or standing silent.

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