Thursday, May 30, 2013

agent vs self publish

frustration is seeping from my veins....

I guess I can understand why a publishing company wouldn't want to accept manuscripts unless provided by someone who has something to loose. I'm sure they receive millions of submissions anyway by people who they would never publish just as record labels surely receive millions of demos a day that they would never produce. So that leads to the enlistment of a literary agent. The problem with that is - you have to subscribe to sites in order to get names and information to contact them. You send inquiries and print hundreds of copies of your work in order to submit to strangers who, most of which, will never contact you. Then there is the financial obligation - aside from what was already spent - I'm sure agents do not work for free.

Then there is the agent-less path that I could take, which would basically put me in the world of self-publishing. This is not a bad route to go, but again is expensive and there is nobody else to market your product. Marketing and spreading the world about your product is the most important aspect of any product, service, business, etc. It's business 101 knowledge. So I know that I do not have the time to market a book, how would I self-publish and get my name out there in order to sell enough books so that a major publishing company would put me on their radar.

Also - I have to decide to what audience I want to market my book to. I have not had the feedback given that I requested. Only one or two people really commented on my work, they said it was graphic, but fitting. I guess I need to know if it is worthy of publishing. Am I in over my head? Have I really written a piece of work that is publishing material and can be marketable for sale in a large bookstore or market filled with other famous writers?

How else do you get your name out there? How else do you get your work published? How else is there to present your material to the right person at the right time in order to get it on the shelves?

http://julia-gulia-527.blogspot.com/2013/05/my-book-exposed.html

This link takes you to a snip-it of the book....

Looking back

Recently I finished working on my first book. I still have a long way to go with publishing, finding a publisher and all that jazz. One thing I did was go back and browse through my saved files on my computer. I have all my journals, poetry, blogs, and such saved from high school on my computer....

O Boy!

So it was interesting to say the least, but I couldn't believe the things I posted online, said in my blogs, wrote in my private journals, or thought back then. It was a little rough to read through, but it was raw and honest. I was brought back to the days of a broken young girl who was so very lost and did not know what to do or where to go. I had so much fear in my life and so many questions. I don't think that ever changes, but I do believe life has become a little bit more understandable as the years have passed and experiences have allowed wisdom to shine into my life.

I had multiple posts per day most days. Most of my blogs were midnight rants about not understanding the ways of the world. My poetry was sad and empty, broken, so hurt and lost. My journals asked all the questions I really wanted answered but were afraid to ask anyone or let anyone know they were questions I was even asking. I also had a lot of rage inside of me. A lot of unhealed wounds.

What inspires healing? What causes or allows it?

Sometimes I wonder what was the changing point in my life? I mean... the point that brought me back. The point that took me from darkness to light. The moment in my life where I decided life was worth living and it was actually a happy and joyful life that I wanted to live.

I think about the moment when I was laying, staring at the ceiling one night, wondering why yet another man had walked out on me and left me without explanation. I was suffering in more than one way, struggling with addiction, broken heart, and questioning all the ways I was meant to continue on. In that moment I made a decision... I would just keep going. I would live life one day at a time and try to stop filling this hole inside me with the love of other men and material things.

Such a moment like this in life was I believe a turning point for me early on because it allowed me to realize that I deserved more than that sadness and emptiness that I was being faced with. I was stuck in this dark place as a victim. I was the girl who had been through so much and just didn't know when the good life would come along. I became the girl who survived my past and was able to move on to something bigger and better.

Now I am able to look back on all of this and see how far I have come. Just know that I have a story to share and that so many others out there are facing the same struggles that I have faced in my past and still face to this day. I wonder some times what will come of my life and how this will all turn out, but then I remember that I can spend hours, days, years guessing and wondering or I can spend that same time being active making it all happen.

So - here is to making it happen! Let's be active and make it happen. Because nothing ever happened while you were sitting on the couch or standing silent.

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Decisions

Often in our life we are faced with a cross-roads. We must decide which path to take.



We can stand at a crossroads and look at wooden signs seeking direction. Sometimes those signs can read any of the following:
Lost
Confused
Unsure
Unclear
Dazed
Perplexed
Disoriented
Bewildered

You stand at the crossroads and wonder which way to go. You ponder if you choose a certain path, will  it be the right one or the wrong one. If you pick incorrectly, will you be able to call a mulligan, go back and re-do? If you select the wrong path, will there be another crossroads that helps you get back on the right road to the journey you are supposed to be leading.

Who helps you choose correctly? What decisions are we all faced with?

Love
Relationships
Job
Career
Travel
Family
Friends
Moves
Living Spaces
Health

Even things that may seem simple, such as what should I eat for my lunch today.... this would greatly affect someone like me who has food allergies. This could be a life or death decision for me whereas for someone else it is just a miniscule choice made in a second that they think not even a second about.

We wonder often when we are young what life is like when we get older. We cannot wait to get out of school to live the independent carefree adult life we see others living. We don't want anyone bossing us around and we want to be on our own making out own decisions. What we don't realize is all the sacrifice and hardships we will face to get there and all that we will survive when we are living that life we once thought was so much better than childhood or young adulthood.

The moments in college when we change our major multiple times because we just don't know what we will be best at or enjoy the most. We think the label of major on our degree will determine what we do for the rest of our lives and we don't want to be stuck in some mindless endless job instead of in the career we always dreamed of loving and enjoying. We don't have the proper guidance or skills to know or understand what the rest of our life is like, we haven't even lived a fraction of it yet. We are expected to make all these independent decisions about the rest of our lives, yet we have not nearly enough experience to do so. We are misled, misjudge, and misguided.

Once we finally graduate we dream of million dollar salaries, the perfect family with the beautiful house picket fence 2.5 kids and dog, the summer vacations, beautiful cars, etc. What we don't know about is the debt, bills, mortgages, love is not enough, kids are not perfect, parenting is not easy, dogs even when trained are just like kids and make mistakes, vacations are expensive and never happen the way planned, cars are only beautiful when they are in the showroom before they get spilled on scratched up door dinged and wrecked a few times.

Then when we are wiser adults and we sit pondering retirement - oh the joy of not having to serve the man any longer. The joy of endless vacation and R&R time. Time with family, loved ones, grandchildren.... what we don't think about is the money we should be saving now for that time so we don't have to suffer the same hardships we have always been struggling through. The dreams we have now for that future require planning and clear decisions that will lead to that life we desire.

All the while, we look back on these crossroads playing the what if game. We all have different questions we ask ourselves, but these may be some of them... 
What if I did better in high school?
What if I wasn't face with that abuse? 
What if I chose a different college? 
What if I hadn't had that abortion?
What if I fell in love with and married a different person?
What if he/she wasn't "the one"? Is there only one?
What if I didn't get divorced?
What if there was never an accident?
What if I didn't have kids?
What if I had more kids?
What if I didn't decide to move those few times? 
What if I had made a different career move?
What if we hadn't bought this house - or maybe a less expensive house?
What if I saved more or spent less?
What could I have done to be living a better life?

We sit back and waste time thinking on things that we cannot change - things that are no longer relevant in our lives, because the truth is... we cannot go back and choose a different path - we cannot change the past. We must focus on what we have - love those we have chosen - make the best decisions for our future - the ones that we will thank ourselves for later. Do not regret the past because we have grown from it and learned from it.

I say all of this to lead up to ....

I am the only one who can make decisions for me and my life.
You are the only one that can make decisions for you and your life.
We all are the one who individually must face our own decisions because they mainly affect us and our futures. We are the ones who must live with every choice we make.

Yes - we have family and close friends that we go to when we need to talk things out or sort through life because sometimes these decisions are just too hard for us to handle all on our own. But this is not an easy way out or an excuse to blame someone else when that advised decision turns you down a wrong path and you led yourself astray.

Ultimately we must all be guided by listening to that voice inside. For some it is louder than other,  often we don't hear it, sometimes it is screaming loud and clear, and other times it is a soft whisper - one that we have to pray and listen for intently. We were granted free will so that we would not be locked down or chained to a certain path. I have been blessed with the opportunity to choose my own adventures. I know sometimes they have not ended well, I have been left wounded, hurt, eyes tear filled, and other times just numb to the world. But there have been so many times I have been blessed by my decisions. I have seen that I have made the right decisions and I am on the right path. I know that when I am on the right path I will be blessed.

Sometimes we know that we are on the right path because it is obvious. Other times we have no idea. It is often obvious to us when we are on the wrong path. I just always remind myself that I have to be grounded and continually reminding myself to stay strong and continue on.

Birth-day

The day of birth ... the day  you come into the world and bless those around you with life. This is the day we commemorate every year over and over to celebrate life with our friends and family. This year I celebrated my birthday with the people that I love. Some celebration came early and some celebrations are still to come. I can recall the remembered birthday celebrations on my one or two hands (about 8 of them, most of which I threw for myself).

I remember when I was young and we lived in Lincoln IL - my brother Dan and I celebrated our birthdays together. We had a double birthday celebration, there was a table pushed against the front room, streamers, birthday cakes and lots of adults (our parents friends friends and family).

I think I had a sleepover when I lived in Ohio for one of my birthdays but I don't really remember so it must not have been that memorable. 

When I was in high school there was my 16th birthday party. I had a few friends over at the house and we had cake and played games. I recall frogs... who buys a teenager live frogs for their birthday?! lol. I guess that's what they thought I wanted. I remember having a fall out, almost break up with my boyfriend at the time, then a make up and then drama.

My 21st birthday I threw myself a party. Spent hundreds of dollars on food and alcohol and invited lots of people. I spent a lot of money, spent the night keeping people happy, and cleaning up after them. I had to deal with drama and people getting sick all over my apartment, the cops getting called, then waking up to lots of sleeping bodies in my living room.

Montgomery house party I threw for myself was 23. People from work and old friends got together and had a relaxing night of celebrations.

24 was a year for me... I celebrated my birthday with friends and family at Chili's in Naperville. We did dinner and cake - it was small short and sweet.

Vegas was 26! Crazy weekend with an old roommate. I took myself to Vegas because I needed something big and new to celebrate change. I didn't have the experience that I dreamed of, but it was good for a first time around. I cannot wait for my next Vegas experience because that will surely be one to remember!

Golden Birthday!!! 27 this year and it was a good year. I had some early celebrations - my work bought me a cake :) Chris took me out to Lalo's and made me my favorite breakfast (french toast). He granted me a visit to Starbucks - love birthday drinks! and I cannot wait to spend my gift card on some Semi Annual Sale finds!!! :)  I BBQ'd with family on Sunday for lunch - got to enjoy some unexpected guests on my birthday as well - it was good to see WI family! I had the opportunity to meet some new people Monday and enjoy yet another BBQ! (I must love BBQ!) Monday flowers arrived for me from my BFF in Ohio. I am so blessed to have such a long friendship with her and I cannot wait to celebrate so much more life with my dear friend Alicia. And now.. Tuesday the celebrations are continuing with yet another BBQ with dad for dinner. I cannot wait for my dear friend Abra (my sister from a different mister) to be well so we can break loose of Chi-town and celebrate this life we have both survived recently!

I am so grateful that I did not plan anything crazy or huge yet again this year. I was trying to plan something for my golden birthday because I wanted it to be remembered forever, but with being sick, and missing work, I really wouldn't have been able to see through any of those plans. This is a moment when the disappointment goes away and I am reminded that God is in control and has a bigger plan for us all. He knew I wouldn't be well enough to go anywhere or do anything that extravagant and that is why all my plans fell through. It's a good thing too. :)

This year I feel like I am starting a new chapter in life. I have survived 26 years of life and this 27th year is going to bring so much more - I just know it. The celebration of birth and life - the celebration of living should never cease. This year I am going to strive to celebrate life every day - just always remembering that it is a gift and not to take it for granted.

Although every birthday is not remembered it is the celebration and the life that we must recall. Some memories are negative and some are positive but all remind us of what is important and what we must strive for and pursue. I know that my family and friends are the most important part of my life. Without them I would not be here, I would not be who I am, I would not be as strong as I am. They have supported me in different ways at different times throughout my life and it is the true family - not the blood that runs through the veins, but the ones that always run through your life - that family that is there for you and celebrates life with you continually. I love each and every one of them differently and I couldn't imagine a day without them!

Thank you to each of you who sent me birthday wishes and blessed me with loving gifts and meals. My life would not be as complete without each of you in it :)

Thursday, May 23, 2013

My book - EXPOSED: A Memoir of Lost Days

Ok - So this post is really going to be a little NC-17 ... IE if you aren't old enough to get into a rated R movie at a theater or you are offended easily then you shouldn't continue reading past this point. If you are intrigued, then continue.

I am debating which way to go with this. I have finished my first book - it's about 25,000 words which really fits the criteria for a young adult novel. I am really gearing my book toward young adults and want to reach that market. I finished designing and drawing out an idea for my book cover. Again this is a little extreme but it fits my title and the object and idea of the book. I know that a book cover can make or break a book. And I know that the book cover needs to reach the market that is intrigued and enticed by the book cover. I guess I am looking for feedback on this post whereas most other posts do not ask for that.

I am going to include my book cover drawing as well as an excerpt from my book. I want to know what you think. I have been doing some research as far as how to publish and such. I really don't want to have to sink a lot of money that I do not have into a literary agent, but some publishers don't accept manuscripts without it. So we will see what happens.

Again ... The title of my book is EXPOSED: A Memoir of Lost Days. The cover of my book is a little risque and I know it. So please do not continue if you think this will be offensive to you. The content of my book is a little graphic but it is a memoir, an account of a time in my life that marks a turning point for me, my journey, my faith, who I am today, who I became for years after that incident. This is the most vulnerable I have ever been with an online audience, or any audience for that matter, but if this flies then I will have to be extremely vulnerable with millions because my story will be exposed to the nation.

So here goes nothing....





Chapter 1
It's dark. I'm still. I can hear the television playing and music streaming from the next room. I cannot move. I open my eyes, but see nothing. Suddenly everything comes into focus. I see a girl lying on a bed in a dark room. I'm floating and watching below. It's like there is a movie playing and I'm merely a spectator. The door opens and I hear heavy feet walking across the floor. The carpet is soft but the feet are heavy and loud. I see him put his hands on her legs and I feel hands on my legs. He rips her pajama pants off. I suddenly feel bare, naked, exposed. I try to move, but cannot seem to lift a finger. I focus every muscle and bone in my body. I need to help her. I need to save her.  I watch him peel the clothes off her body. Tears roll down her face. I feel a tear fall from the corner of my eye.
She is mumbling and begging, “No.... Stop... Please... Don't...” He jumps off the bed and starts searching through drawers.
I start yelling, “Help. Someone help. I can hear you in the next room. Can you hear me?”
Nothing.
Coming up empty handed, he decides to disregard his search as he crawls back onto the bed.
Wiping a tear from her cheek, he says, “Don't cry baby. You know you want it. You deserve it. I'm going to show you what a real man feels like.”
Then he put himself on her and inside her. The look on her face struck me with pain and sadness. The ground grew closer, I could feel the sheets below my skin. His arm wrapped around me.
He whispered in my ear, “I don't want to hurt you. You know you liked it. Why the tear?”
I lay there, stunned. I try to roll onto my side, try to roll away, but he grabs me and draws me near. He holds me so tight.
He whispers again, “You're not going anywhere.”
I hear the door knob turn, but it won't open. Samantha is on the other side. Sudden knocking, then more rapid banging on the door until he jumps out of the bed and unlocks the door. He tries to stand in her way.
“What do you want?” he yells, “We're not done in here.”
Without saying a word she pushes through. Kneeling next to the bed, she brushes the hair out of my face. She sees the tear stained face before her, pleading with dark empty eyes. No words come out.
Samantha asked me if everything was okay, if anything was wrong, she tried to get it all out of me. She wanted to know what had happened. But nothing would come out. Finally she just pulled me into a sitting position, starts picking my clothes up off the floor. Like a robot, quiet and automatic, she helps me dress. She picks me up out of the bed and helps me maneuver my way to the bedroom door.
He grabs my arm as I try to leave, looks me in the eye and says “Tell your brother we are even.”
In one swift motion, she pushes him away and pulls me out the door. We tumble down the stairs, through the house and crawl under the barely open garage door.
My brother... what does he have anything to do with this? Which brother? What is he talking about? I don't understand? Why me? What is going on?
All I remember is that it felt like I was flying out of the house. I don’t remember how many steps I actually took but it felt like I was floating just above the carpet. She yelled at them trying to get information out of Maurice or to get Shawn to tell her if he knew what had happened or what was going to happen. Both of the guys kept quiet and all Maurice said was that I asked for it.
My legs barely would work, my body was so heavy, and my feet like stones. Every step I took felt like slick spaghetti falling from a ladle back into the pan. OUCH. Suddenly I am brought back to reality. I am on the sidewalk. I must have tripped over myself. Samantha is helping me up. We are struggling to walk down the street. The sun is starting to peek over the edge of the earth. What time is it? I feel her hand around my waist pulling me along. I know it is only two blocks, but it feels like forever. We get to the end of the driveway and she pauses. She kept asking questions but I could not answer, I just wanted to forget about it all. 

OK - So that's it for today - I really do need some feedback - even if it's anonymous feedback - again this isn't meant to offend, it's a part of my past; a part of who I am. 

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Accomplishments

It may seem silly or small but it's huge when all you have is just that - an accomplishment. I have made it two days without needing a nap from being so exhausted I cannot make it through an entire day.

I have also spent the last two days taking care of my 3-yr-old nephew. Oh man... let me tell you that is a chore. Waking up at 5am, breakfast, legos, baby being born, an entire day at the hospital visiting, then minor meltdowns and chasing around and around. Today was a little easier with an 8am wake up call, breakfast, legos, bath time, and only five hours of hospital visiting time, dinner, and bed.

I figure with this accomplishment then I can conquer work - so I have decided to go back early and try to stay as long as I can on Friday. We will see if I can make it a full day.

I am still hurting and my spleen is like a bulging banana-rama which is causing complete abdominal pain, but I really just cannot afford to stay off work much longer. So - goal is to work as long as possible Friday, Saturday, and then back to work full time next Tuesday.

Scary - that's the first thought that comes to mind when I think of going back to work. I still don't feel well - 100% - but I don't know that I will ever feel 100%. I've also been diagnosed with yet another auto immune disease - Rheumatoid Arthritis. So I have more specialists to be following up with and more dr appointments to be having. I have to go back to the Neurologist full time and my list of medications are growing.

But - on a lighter note. I finished my book. Now all I have to do is work on getting it published. I have to take the steps, figure out what I need to do and send it out. I know this process is a long one and usually it doesn't get accepted right away, but I am looking forward to this side project.

I registered for classes in the fall and am looking forward to continuing that journey as well.

It's been a long day. I have so much to be grateful for and I know that even with everything that is going on I am blessed to be alive, to be able to write, spend time with family, love those that need it and be loved.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Baby Steps...

One foot in front of the other... I have to keep reminding myself. Baby steps - it's like learning to walk again. I cannot believe what a couple viruses can do to your body!

Tuesday night on the way home from the hospital all I wanted was a real meal.... lol... for those who have spent any number of days in a hospital you can understand what I mean when I talk about hospital food vs real food. Mom and I met the kids and dad at Chilis. That was a feat. It was loud, full of people, and the smells were overwhelming. The food took forever and by the time it came, I didn't even want to eat. I had already used all my energy walking to the bathroom and back. All I could think of was getting home and laying down. So much for a real meal.... 

Wednesday night I was feeling alright and I felt like I had a little energy. I tried to go to Walmart and buy Gatorade. Now, mind you, my mother drove and Angela went with me. Angela and I walked arm and arm through Walmart, back to the toilet paper section and moved forward to get a pack of Gatorade. Walked to the closest self check out section and directly outside for my mom to pick us up. I was worn out. That little couple minute trip exhausted me like I had climbed Mt Everest or something. It was discouraging to me. I thought I was feeling a little better and I wanted to test the waters, but I learned that a little energy was not enough to take an adventure.

Thursday night Angela and I stayed in and watched "What to expect when you are expecting". If you haven't seen that movie yet, you should. It's funny and sad and hilarious at the same time. So true and makes you laugh out loud. I think laughter was a good dose of medicine for me this night. I didn't have much pain that day, until later at night. 

Friday night Marissa had a talent show at the Jr High. O Boy... Let's start with the small accomplishments - I took a shower and got dressed by myself and wasn't tired and didn't have to rest afterward. Can you believe it? I couldn't. I think this is improvement. We went to the long talent show and then to McDonalds afterward. I ate an entire meal for the first time in a while. It's been hard to eat a lot because it takes so much energy to eat and because I haven't had a real appetite. Then we went to ice cream afterward and I had a mini blizzard - yum!

Now - this brings us to Saturday morning - I made my own breakfast and got my own meds this morning. This is huge because I haven't been able to do this yet and it makes me feel that much closer to independence and healing. I am getting that much closer to being able to take care of myself. So we will see how things go for the rest of the day and weekend. My doctors appointment is Monday to obtain my release for work.

It's just crazy how the little baby steps can seem like such an accomplishment in the grand scheme of things. It just makes me feel so small in such a big world. It reminds me that I am not alone and was not created to be alone. As much as I long for the independence I know so well, this is the time in my life when I am reminded that independence is not everything it is cracked up to be. It is ok to lean on others and we were made for each other. I literally wouldn't have survived without my family this past week. It just really makes you sit back and wonder what is real and what is not. Who in your life would really stand by you when you needed them the most. Who is your family and who is not?

My family is the people that are related or that are not, but that are there for me when I need them the most. They have been with me through the tears and the laughter, the thick and thin, the sickness and the health. These people have seen me a hott mess and all dolled up. I am growing a deeper appreciation for these people in my life that are there for me when I need them. It's the baby steps in life that make the biggest waves and leave the largest imprint on your heart.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

In Sickness and in health....

I am not very good at doing nothing, but apparently that is what I am being called to do at this moment in time. My brain and body was wired and trained up in a manner to work and go and keep busy. I don't even take vacations let alone multiple days off in a row. Now mind you - most of this time I was in the hospital - but I am getting antsy.

I have been sick for almost four weeks now. The illness coming and going, some days better, some days worse. There were moments or days when I thought I was healed but then I would end the day with a high fever or wake in the night with chills and illness. I gave in and went to the doctor. They tested for strep and ran a bunch of normal blood work. Everything came back negative. They said - it's a viral infection - wait it out or call us in a week. A week later I still wasn't well so I called and they gave me a z-pack. I took my five days worth, but still wasn't healed. Last Friday I started having real problems with shortness of breath and exhaustion so I called the drs office to schedule something for the following Monday and they yelled at me of course and made me come in that day. More blood work drawn and tests ran and then sent me to the Edwards ER.

I pull up to the ER valet parking with a look of death on my face. I can barely stand let alone speak to the gentleman who hands me my ticket. As I walk inside the ER the ladies standing at the welcome desk start rushing toward me with a wheel chair. (Apparently I looked as awesome as I felt.... lol) The ladies started asking me questions that I could barely answer and got me back into a room. The doctor and nurse come in and everything is like a whirlwind. So many questions and comments at the same time, all I can think of is that my head is pounding, I'm thirsty, I'm burning up and I cannot breathe. Then the sticks start coming. Three in the right arm and four in the left - apparently blood cultures have to be taken from multiple sites and if the first nurse cannot get you stuck then someone else has to come in and try again. Then I'm sent off to x-ray for a chest x-ray. I was given bag after bag of fluids in the short time I was in the ER. I return to blood test results. I guess my infection count and blood clotting count are sky high - higher than normal.

They call Infectious Disease ..... OMG!

Then the funny questions start - do you have animals? have you been to a farm or barn recently? umm... what do animals or barns have anything to do with my symptoms. Of course the answers are no and there is more questions left unanswered for them.

They decide to admit me - so dad calls and orders a Lou :) His first experience every eating Lou Malnati's pizza - it was delicious - I just wish I had been feeling better to really enjoy it more. All the nurses and transports were trying to steal our pizza.. lol. it was funny.

So lots more blood work and rounds of tests. Over night I had three more blood draws, and the next day we followed that up with a CT of my chest/lungs, legs, and head. An ultrasound of my entire abdomen and both full legs. All of which came back normal - giving them no answers. Every night I was spiking high grade fevers and my symptoms were getting worse. They were waiting on blood work to come back, but it was taking forever. The doctors kept ordering more blood draws and around the clock I could feel myself getting sicker and weaker. Finally on Tuesday they ordered an MRA of my brain and when that came back normal they decided there were no blood clots, no tumors, lesions, or masses inside my body. But then the blood culture they were waiting for came back positive for two separate viral infections. And.... they discharged me.... haha

So - because the infections are viral and not bacterial there is no treatment of the actual infection available, only treatment/management of the symptoms. The hospital cannot keep me or really do anything for me, and frankly I was tired of paying for their overpriced ice packs and listening to the patients in the next rooms trying to die and ripping out their IV's and trying to escape. I wasn't getting rest because I was miserable and although the night staff was incredible, the day shift really needed some work. The food was awful and I just was tired of being there. But the 6:05pm announcement of immediate discharge was a little striking considering mom was leaving to go to Marissa and Skyler's concert :( She missed it and had to wait another 2 hours with me at the hospital for the dr to put in the prescriptions correctly to the pharmacy and answer his pages.

Now I am home (well at my parents house) because frankly I cannot do anything on my own and it's killing me. My spleen and liver are enlarged - extremely swollen - and my entire body hurts. My head won't stop aching and I'm so thirsty I would leave my tongue out under a dripping faucet if that's all I had. My fever has gone away - which is incredible - so I am hopeful that I am slowly getting better, but my other symptoms are still full force.

The problem really lies with the auto immune deficiency disorder that weakens my immune system allowing my body to be more susceptible to illness and illness to wreck more havoc on my body than any normal person's body. Also - normally people will test positive for one virus, not two, but my lucky self has two intense viruses active inside of me right now. I wonder.... what kind of damage does a virus do that cannot be undone?

So here I am sitting on the couch - tired, weak, thirsty, swollen, hurting, trying to rest .... and all I can think of is going back to work and planning my fall semester for school. I keep hearing stories of people who had one virus that were knocked out of commission for 2 months or more, one woman wasn't well for an entire year, and I have both of these and cannot really afford to miss that much life, work, or anything else.

I know this is God's way of telling me to rest, that I need other people and should lean on them....

but really... i would rather be learning this in a healthy point in my life not in a sickness ....

Nothing ever happens the way we want it to - it always happens the way we need it to and God knows what we need more than anyone else in our life. So I am resting, waiting, hoping, and praying that my body can heal and I can get back to staying busy ...

More updates to come.