Sunday, March 10, 2013

Spring is in the air!

Spring is coming!! Rain instead of snow. I am so excited for this weather change. This means summer is closer than before and my birthday is coming! My best friend just got engaged and is getting married next year, while my other friend just got married Saturday! So much has changed in the past two months. I have taken on a new job and school has been slightly more than I thought it would be. I really enjoy what I am doing, but I should probably be doing it more right now - as in homework instead of blogging... lol.

So - Some of the recent changes have reminded me that there are some things in my life I am not willing to sacrifice. This is crazy because if you had asked me a year ago - my answers would not have been the same! I believe in marriage. I believe in love. I want to have a family - even if it means adopting a child and not having my own. I want to be with someone who wants the same things as me - who has the same core values as I do. I want someone who believes in the same things. I have decided to get married again and I'm not afraid of it being like the first time. Because the second time is nothing like the first time!

I have been even more inspired to write about my story - write my book - I need to have the courage to embrace my story. My scars are simply tattoos that embrace my story. My pain had a purpose and my mess has a message. I am ready. Now all I have to do is finish writing and try to get it published. That is going to be the toughest part.

I cannot wait till May when I have the summer off and I can start working more aggressively on my book!

So - what more can I say? I feel like every time I write there have been so many changes in my life. I cannot even begin to remember all the changes.

I was in the hospital - only the ER - and I didn't spend the night. They don't know why and now there's this crazy train looming over everyone because they are afraid that something bad will happen to me ...

I filed my taxes in January and still haven't gotten my return - I am kind of mad crazy about that - but I am thinking about buying a car... We will see. Nothing is final yet, but I think this could be a good move for me. My lease is up in September and I am thinking of moving into a different place - possibly finding a town home or something.

My good friend Julia got married this past weekend and it was absolutely beautiful! I cannot believe that she has found this perfect man who suits her so well. I am so happy for her! I got the opportunity to partake in her day by singing the communion song. It was fabulous. She was so gorgeous and the setting was just perfect. I cannot wait to see the pictures and celebrate with her as a married woman!! I must say - seeing Julia find someone who makes her so happy and seeing her be given this second chance almost - this opportunity to move forward and leave the past behind... I want that too. I have finally realized that I deserve that too. I deserve to move forward and leave the past behind.

I was at Starbucks today and for the first time a man hugged me and apologized to me for the wrongs that had happened to me in my past. I mean - before people have said that it wasn't right or deserving or even fair. But I cannot think of a time when someone actually said - let the past be the past, you need a hug, lets not talk about this anymore because you deserve happiness and something better.

I don't know if it was the timing or the person - I don't know what it was but I just felt tonight as I was sitting on my couch that I do deserve better. That I deserve to be happy in a relationship and be in love with a man who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I got my nose pierced and have my next tattoo planned out. I have to decide exactly how and when I will do this, but I am also thinking of a trip to vegas! So much is going on and I just keep thinking to myself - my time will come.

A few weeks ago I was sitting on the couch with my best friend and she asked me if any of the men in my life or even in my past were on the same level as I was. As I sat and thought about it ... my answer was no. She asked why - my response was lame. I want a man like that but I don't....

Why? Because I don't want to be challenged? Because I don't want to be a pastor's wife? Because I don't want to be submissive? Because I don't want to be held accountable?

No. It's becuase I am afraid. And - I didn't think I deserved it for real until now. Up until now I have taken shit from men. I have been the caregiver and the healer. I have put everything I want and need to the wayside and given my EVERYTHING to them... for what? why? to be left here still wanting and needing and to have nothing to show for it?

This was not my plan. I should have been married and have kids by now - or at least be trying or adopting. This was the plan. The walk down the aisle was to be the last. The vows were to be forever. But they weren't and not that is a part of my past....

Moving forward - Israel Houghton... That is the song I have been listening to for a couple weeks and the song I sang for my firend's wedding...

"What a moment you haev brought me to - such a freedom i have found in you - you are the healer that makes all things new - I'm not going back - I'm moving ahead - I'm here to declare to you - My past is over - I'm moving forward"

I write over and over again that I am so afraid - I allow fear to drive me - I allow fear to consume me. I believe this is a product of my past. The fear to become the person I never wanted to be. The fear to not be the person everyone wants me to be. The fear to become the parents I didn't want to be around. The fear of allowing my children to live in an unhealthy environment. The fear of harm coming to myself or my family. The fear of assault and loss.

YOU MAKE ALL THINGS NEW - I WILL FOLLOW YOU FORWARD!

I have decided that I am done with my past .... I am going to write it down, get it out there, and not be afraid of offending anyone or the lash back it may cause. I am not going to be afraid of hurting anyone's feelings or the tactful way to write things. I will not be putting a muzzle on my story and the people that may feel hurt by what I have to say ... please know that in my heart this is not my purpose. My purpose is to share my story and allow other people, other women, other young girls who have experienced the same things I have - who feel alone - who feel desperate, depressed, solitary.... This is not the case. I have been there and I am standing on the other side.

On The Other Side..... Maybe that will be the name of my book when it is completed... I am highly considering trying to get my poetry published. That could possibly be the first step...

For now... this is all I can say - it's late and I have to be up early and I need to get sleep. Until next time... for I am sure the next time I write there will be millions of more updates and changes going on. Even if they are not external - I know there will be internal...