Thursday, October 18, 2012

Guard your heart

Proverbs 4:23 - Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of your life....

When i was younger, my dad used to recite this verse to me over and over. I always rolled my eyes and thought it to be silly. But, as an adult, I have come to realize the value of the very words above. I cannot tell you how I would think of the verse being silly, when now I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it is reality.

I have not guarded my heart very well throughout my life. I have worn my heart on my sleeve. My heart is so big and I just want to love everyone and give to everyone. I want to fix everyone and heal everyone. I have always been the one to say ... well it's just this once, or , it won't happen again.

But - now I have so many trials to face becuase I have done all of the above except guard my heart.

I fell in love, what I thought was love, and that love was not reciprocated. I discovered after it was too late, that the love I thought I shared was based completely on lies and deceit. I never realized until it was too late and I had made a promise I would never break.

I have always said that your word is as good as a promise, and a promise should never be broken. I did not just make a promise to myself, but a promise to my friends, family, and God. I thought that promise was forever.

Soon afterwards, I started to discover multiple issues. Things that I never knew or uncovered before hand. I discovered lies and deceit. Bouts of deception, dishonesty, and a complete lack of distrust arose inside of me. I started uncovering truths one by one... discovering dark deep secrets... and as confrontation after confrontation happened, the lack of trust grew.

But - I made a promise, so i refused to break that promise. I made a promise and I was going to keep that promise. If people before me could do it, then so could I. Unfortunately - I allowed my pride to stand in the way and blind me even more...

Then - the violence and anger arose over night. The yelling came at my face and fists came at the walls ... I never thought I would be that girl again... and yet here I was.

But - I made a promise, so i refused to break that promise. I made a promise and I was going to keep that promise. If people before me could do it, then so could I. It wasn't that bad ... right?!

Proverbs 4:23 - Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of your life....

My happiness was gone.
My joy had been taken.
The life had been sucked dry from my eyes.

Eventually I had to make that tough decision... and every day that passes I question that decision... but everyday that passes I am reminded why...

I have been seperated for longer than I was married. I have been wageing a battle for longer than I care to speak of.

I am so tired.
I am so worn.
I am so done.

I have officially borrowed that angels that normally guard the gates the the garden of eden... they will be guarding the gates to my heart...

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