Saturday, July 28, 2012

what a change...

most people don't like change. now i know why.... lol. saying i have moved multiple times in my life would be an understatement. this was and has been and i am sure will be the hardest move i have ever made.

you know when things are really tough in life - that's the devil on your back! that means you are doing something good and he is trying to prevent you from following through and pushing you to just give up. i am not giving up and i am pushing through this.

these past few weeks have been tougher than normal. mom in and out of the hospital. lots of changes at work. trying to finish up summer classes and take finals (<- got an A!). trying to orientate and register for fall classes at NIU. trying to find a place to live which went from 1 roommate -> 2 roommates -> 1 roommate -> NO roommate (every step involving more and more drama). switching realtors, giving up on realtors, making offers but not soon enough, a serious rollercoaster. now lets talk about the roaches that infested the trailer that i used to move, and then the infestation that happened in my couch, and then led to my new apartment, which i then had to spend my last pennies on bug bombs to de-roachify my place.... omg! and then when all is said and done the ex roommate refuses to pay the utilities becuase she thinks i have some of her silverware.... ugh.

so i have learned my lesson. beyond a shadow of a doubt - i will no longer participate in the blind trust of others, believing they are good people, when they are just taking care of themselves first before everyone else. i have never met people that have no respect for others property or just general morals to guarantee that what is done should be done correctly/morally/fairly. i know cultures crash and when you combine two worlds in one there are issues/conflicts/missunderstandings but i guess i just would have thought people would be able to still be adults and handle situations with a just and moral manner, but i have learned otherwise.

so this year my trust has gotten me - screwed out of $300 from downers grove roommate, married/divorced=screwed out of thousands, screwed out of $700 from a candy selling theiving kid, screwed out of $250 from aurora roomate, and now i am just starting over. i guess maybe some people learn on the first time around, but i guess it takes me a few more times to really get the memo that i need to be less trusting and more weary of people.

so here we are... lesson learned/unfriended/divorced/broke/annoyed/frustrated but STILL GOING! i know that i have gotten pretty close to defeat in the past few months but i refuse to be defeated. there is nothing i cannot do without god. and i know that some people will throw his name around and talk about being blessed or being god's child. but i really don't want to just talk about it. i want to be it. i want to be a daughter of god. one that when i walk into heaven he will say - well done good and faithful servant. but to get there i must be a good and faithful servant.

money is money - it is the devil. it will come and go. but the most important thing is staying above water (maybe even walking on it - lol). i really feel my faith being challenged here. do i believe that god will provide for me? yes. do i believe that the picture is bigger than this event? yes. do i believe that in the end we win anyway? yes. so why worry?

it is not my job to worry. it is my job to do what i am asked to do. i need to be tougher and stronger and studious.

i finished my summer class with an A. I start at NIU in the fall and this should be hectic. my schedule is pretty packed from 6a monday morning till 3p saturday afternoon starting the last week of august. and even up until then i will be working on my days off at my old pearle. so we will see how this all goes. i just need to make enough to survive and do what god wants me to do. i really feel i am on the right path and i can weather this storm. it's just one more chapter of my book (which i need to just finish btw).

so this week i am going to try to work on forgiveness, letting go, and just giving it to god. this is harder done than said and it might be my continued challenge for next week as well... lol.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012


So - there are lots of changes happening in my life currently and they are all for the best. Everything is happening so quickly and falling into perfect place. As I sit here on my couch and look around and bare walls and empty bookcases, I know that what is to come is amazing and enriching. I cannot wait for yet another new chapter of my life to start, and I am so very excited to be finally taking the steps that I have known for a while I needed to take.

I was at a family picnic on Sunday and my grandmother's husband, Jerry, was talking to me about life. He told me that I looked so very happy, and that he was glad. I guess I hadn't thought that I was ever noticeably unhappy, but others obviously noticed. And the more I think about all the reasons for wanting this change, I know that deep inside, it's to get a fresh clean start. I don't want to carry this with me, and I want to leave it all behind. I know that it will always be a part of me and my past, but it doesn't have to be a daily reminder.

Life takes funny twits and turns, mostly completely unexpected. Yet, we all seem to act like we know what is going on and as if we are in control of this craziness. I surely know that I don't want to own responsibility for most of the craziness that happens in my life, but I also know that there wouldn't be as much craziness if I weren't responsible for it all.

It takes some looking back on life and specific situations to analyze, or rationalize. But, we always are trying to force things into place, or make something out of nothing, or figure out what we want, instead of just letting be... I have learned a lot by just being. You can learn a lot about yourself and about others by just being, observing, sitting back and letting life flow and just riding it wherever it takes you. You would be surprised where things will go and how naturally things will happen in your life that you were previously trying to force into place.

People will eventually show you their true colors: do not be blinded by who you want them to be and just let them be who they are. IF it works, awesome, if not, move on.

Life is full of bumps, barricades, and unexpected occurrences: You will never be prepared, just be ready and go with it.

Love may be blind, it may hurt, it may be anything you want it to be in order to excuse away your actions, but at some point along the way you knew, and you chose to ignore the warning signs. Don't ignore the warning signs.

Honesty is the best policy: Even when it hurts. I knew what was right, and even though i knew it would hurt someone else, i had to do what was right for everyone and sometimes you have to be the "mean one" or the one that does the "right thing".

I have most recently discovered that the quantity of people you surround yourself with does not add value to the quality of life that you live. Just because you can stand someone or get along with them does not mean they should take a lead role in your life in any way shape or form. We were created to be together. In the beginning God created Adam, and Adam was lonely, so he gave Adam Eve. God created us to be relational creatures. But Adam and Eve were created from one another to be a part of one another, in order to symbolize that we cannot be separated, and we are meant to be one.

The changes that are occurring all around me are bringing me closer and closer to that oneness with the right man, and I am more and more excited for these changes as they come. I know that I am taking the steps to be closer to him and that is all that matters. Right now I just need to focus on that journey and let everything else fall into place. I have always been taught that if I am doing his will, then he will provide. So I know, I have faith, and I trust that this is truth. All of these changes will happen, and will be best and I am super excited to see what happens next!