Friday, June 29, 2012

Next Steps

It's been a while - everytime i think of something to say or write i don't have time to sit down and update, but i know i need to commit to doing this. Writing for me has always been a great healing tool and a phenomenal way for me to express myself. I know that with all the changes and life that is happening around me i need to be better at pouring it out instead of keeping it in.

Divorce is still in progress - something that should have been quick has turned into a long drawn out process for no reason. I would never say this process should be quick and painless becuase it pains me to be going through this, but i know it is for the best, for both of us. I know that I want something that he is not, and he wants something that I am not. And that really sums it all up. I really hope this process will speed up and it can just be finalized sooner rather than later.

I have completed 2 more semesters of school which puts me on a great path. I went to my NIU orientation yesterday - which was a drag btw, but i got through it. I think that i was not at all prepared for the news i received when i was there. All this time I have thought of what would be the best way to approach this school situation and I have been doing that for years. I have been taking online, or night classes or even early morning classes and working them around my work schedule. I have been busting my ass trying to get this done. And now - here i am just that much further behind. Realization of the week - advisors are only advising you for the college you are attending, they are not capable of advising you for the college you want to attend. And - even though they tell you what you should do and what is the best route to take, they do not really know what they are talking about. IE: my Waubonsee advisor told me to take EDU classes because i wanted to be a teacher. Little did she know that those EDU classes were useless to me at the university level towards my degree because they do not count towards univeristy degree. Also - good thing i did not take any clinicals - because i would have had to retake them at the university level anyways. So i got into a debate with the NIU college advisor regarding this and then i was told that i wasn't taking a good tone with her - then she got me lost - then i learned from my NIU major advisor that all the classes i need for my major are midday classes. Which, in turn means that i am not able to advance my career and my academics at the same time. O boy... to say the least it was an interesting day.

But - this led me to some soul searching and some life decision making. Had some dinner and some conversations, shed some tears, had some really great laughs, and then sat down and considered my options.

2 years ago I had a conversation with my brother in the car in a parking in Kansas City MO. This conversation basically led to a life decision that i have yet to follow through on. I know that my heart is in the 10 and that is where i need to be, yet i have not made that change. I know that my job is near the city, yet i commute every day. I know that i live where i live because it's hard to think of me being further away from my family and the kids when they need me. BUT - i also know that I have to do what i know is right and follow the path that i know i need to be on.

So - here we are - at another crossroads. How many times in my life have i found myself staring at 2 completely different options and had to make a life decision like this. So many times i have chosen the wrong path and it has taken me on a far journey away from where i need to be. The problem is - Trust. I really have a hard time trusting the idea that I will be okay if i cut back on work and focus on school. So i am experiencing an internal battle. I always thought that by the time i got to this juncture in the road i would not have to worry because i would have someone else to take care of me. But i know that is a silly ideal and i know that i need to focus on depending on myself and nobody else. Even so - that has led me to where i am now. I have become so self sufficient that the idea of depending on someone else to meet my needs is terrifying. I sat at the dinner table Wednesday night and discovered that ultimately my fear falls on security. I have become secure with myself and my finances. I have become comfortable with my home and my life - just skating along and not moving any mountains.

I stand at the base of this mountain with a shovel begging for a bulldozer to plow right through it. I know what i need to be doing, and i know where i need to be. I know that my passion is students and my goal/dream is to be in education. I know that i have not lived this life and experienced these things for nothing. I need to be doing something with it. I can not do anything with my experiences while sitting at a desk and computing numbers all day. I need to be on the academic path and that is where i intend to head.

A close friend told me wednesday that my full time focus and job should be school and everything else should fall behind that. This is such a scary ideal to me because i have been working most of my life. I have never just spent my full attention and energy on education - and the thought of allowing a career/job which provides my livelyhood to fall to the back burner is frightening. But nothing monumental in life has ever happened by sitting on the back burner. So this is what I intend to accomplish in the next 5 years.

1- move to the 10
2- get involved at mission
3- stick with and continue on the academic path
4- finish my book
5- graduate from NIU with Major in English/Minor in Biology with a teachers cert.
6- get a teaching job in the 10 at a high school
7- be the woman that i am meant to be

so - here we go -

tonight i am looking at places in the 10. wednesday i went to orientation at NIU and last night i finalized my class schedule for fall semester. so we will see where this path leads and i will just keep writing.

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