Thursday, November 8, 2012

Rejuvenation...

This is so weird... Time is passing so quickly and I can't help but think back on last year this time... what was I doing? Where was I going? Who was I? Who am I now? Where am I going? What am I doing? How does it all compare and what have I accomplished.

Saturday I attended a woman's retreat with Mission Church. We basically went to a lodge in the woods and spent the day relaxing, crafting, painting nails, experiencing time with other ladies and God. It was extremely rejuvenating and exactly what I needed to put me in the right mindset for moving forward.

Saturday night I had some great dinner conversation with my brother and a friend. We just sat and pondered over some life questions... What have I learned this year? How have I grown? How can I apply that to my life now?

Last year I was stressing over relationships, hosting Thanksgiving dinner for 20+, and worrying about plans for Christmas and the New Year... My life was a complete roller coaster ride from one day to the next.

Now I am here... living in a new place, working at a new job, surrounded by new people, volunteering at a new church, going to a new school, working on a new relationship, what else??!! lol. When I look at my life, I think of all the times I really saw God at great work and it was in the most hectic times that I was at such peace in my heart. Yes, some days are hard and life can get stressful, but I know that I am on the right path and I am doing what God is calling me to do.

A large portion of my life I have lived in fear. I have thought I wasn't good enough to be the one God was calling to do something or another. I have hid in the darkness, even when God called me and he knew where I was anyways. I have been tied down by these chains for so long and in so many different situations ... but I have never felt more free in my entire life! More independent of this world and more dependent on God.

My life is far from perfect. I am far from perfect. I know that. My life is merely a journey on a winding road trying to find that destination that is laid out for me. If only I had a life GPS... lol. For now... I will say that I have learned to accept the advice of others and head the warnings placed before me. I have decided to be more open and vulnerable. I have decided to put my whole heart into a few things instead of putting pieces of myself amongst many things. I have become more independent of people and more dependent on God. I am learning how to define my roles, as there are many.

I am really looking forward to this new holiday season and seeing what will come .... I think I might actually decorate this year! I have some Christmas lights... maybe hang them from my balcony?

Thursday, November 1, 2012

I'm starting fresh and starting new. I can't believe the end is in plain view. A Happy dance puts my heart at ease. What took so long? The promise was such a tease. I'm so glad this chapter in my life is closing and I can finally start a new one. This process has been drug out for so long and I am so excited that I am finally done! Done and Done.

Now onward to cleaning out the closet and throwing away all the nonsense. What once made me happy means nothing any longer, but I will always have the awesome memories of that one time I paid lots of money to have awesome food and an incredible dance party! Love it!

I'm so grateful to all the people (friends and family and friends that are practically family) who have just been there for me through this entire mess. I cannot even begin to explain all the necessary nights of laughter, or wine, or relaxation, or family time that just held me together.

Every post that has occurred on here has been full of changes that have been taking place in my life over the last 18 months or so... and there are still more to come. I never knew that so much could happen in one person's life in such a short period of time, but by golly... if it's going to happen to anyone, it's going to happen to me. LOL.

I know God never gives you more than you can handle because there is nothing you cannot handle without him. I just feel refreshed and rejuvenated. I want to finish my book, publish my poetry, buy a guitar, write a song, finish school, get a teaching job, see these awesome Mission Students grow before my eyes, and really just enjoy every ounce of life that I have to live.

This Saturday I have a bout of relaxation that I am excited to partake in. I also am excited for an upcoming trip in November!! Cannot wait! And just this Christmas which will be awesome and I think I am actually excited to decorate or buy a Charlie Brown tree or something... lol.

Something borrowed - crock pot
Something blue - vacuum
Something old - situation
Something new - life!

I am so glad that I am finally able to officially move forward and just look toward the future instead of being kept dwelling in the past! I am leaving it all behind... and just keeping my eyes set forward... I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me next!


Thursday, October 18, 2012

Guard your heart

Proverbs 4:23 - Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of your life....

When i was younger, my dad used to recite this verse to me over and over. I always rolled my eyes and thought it to be silly. But, as an adult, I have come to realize the value of the very words above. I cannot tell you how I would think of the verse being silly, when now I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, it is reality.

I have not guarded my heart very well throughout my life. I have worn my heart on my sleeve. My heart is so big and I just want to love everyone and give to everyone. I want to fix everyone and heal everyone. I have always been the one to say ... well it's just this once, or , it won't happen again.

But - now I have so many trials to face becuase I have done all of the above except guard my heart.

I fell in love, what I thought was love, and that love was not reciprocated. I discovered after it was too late, that the love I thought I shared was based completely on lies and deceit. I never realized until it was too late and I had made a promise I would never break.

I have always said that your word is as good as a promise, and a promise should never be broken. I did not just make a promise to myself, but a promise to my friends, family, and God. I thought that promise was forever.

Soon afterwards, I started to discover multiple issues. Things that I never knew or uncovered before hand. I discovered lies and deceit. Bouts of deception, dishonesty, and a complete lack of distrust arose inside of me. I started uncovering truths one by one... discovering dark deep secrets... and as confrontation after confrontation happened, the lack of trust grew.

But - I made a promise, so i refused to break that promise. I made a promise and I was going to keep that promise. If people before me could do it, then so could I. Unfortunately - I allowed my pride to stand in the way and blind me even more...

Then - the violence and anger arose over night. The yelling came at my face and fists came at the walls ... I never thought I would be that girl again... and yet here I was.

But - I made a promise, so i refused to break that promise. I made a promise and I was going to keep that promise. If people before me could do it, then so could I. It wasn't that bad ... right?!

Proverbs 4:23 - Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of your life....

My happiness was gone.
My joy had been taken.
The life had been sucked dry from my eyes.

Eventually I had to make that tough decision... and every day that passes I question that decision... but everyday that passes I am reminded why...

I have been seperated for longer than I was married. I have been wageing a battle for longer than I care to speak of.

I am so tired.
I am so worn.
I am so done.

I have officially borrowed that angels that normally guard the gates the the garden of eden... they will be guarding the gates to my heart...

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Fall

Fall - a season, a stumble, a fear, llaf backwards (sound it out... it's like laugh)....

going back to school time
leaves changing color time
experiencing new things time
preparing for winter time

i'm going on a bear hunt.... wondering what i'll find.

it's been a very confusing, rough, trying couple of months but i am starting to try to stabilize everything. balancing work, church, school, family, friends, relationship, finances, responsibilities, divorce.

i decided that NIU's version of full time is a little overwhelming for me as I am trying to balance far too many plates and if I continued on this path it would only lead to destruction - so i dropped a lab class, and am still balancing my other four classes. 6:30 am is a little early to be on the road by when the night before i'm home at 1030 at the earliest. so... i am adjusting. totting laundry, groceries, and everything else i need up and down 3 flights of stairs is an adjustment.

why do i always demand so much of myself? i know i am not a hero, and i know i am not a superwoman.

i need to start aggressively working on my book.
i am volunteering with Mission Students and this is going to be trying and emotional - i can already feel it

i am in a season in my life where i am constantly stumbling and in fear, but yet i still manage to get out a lot of laughs and i know that this too shall pass. so here we are on yet another new adventure. holidays are just around the corner and a new year will be approaching soon enough. can't wait for thanksgiving!!! :)

Saturday, July 28, 2012

what a change...

most people don't like change. now i know why.... lol. saying i have moved multiple times in my life would be an understatement. this was and has been and i am sure will be the hardest move i have ever made.

you know when things are really tough in life - that's the devil on your back! that means you are doing something good and he is trying to prevent you from following through and pushing you to just give up. i am not giving up and i am pushing through this.

these past few weeks have been tougher than normal. mom in and out of the hospital. lots of changes at work. trying to finish up summer classes and take finals (<- got an A!). trying to orientate and register for fall classes at NIU. trying to find a place to live which went from 1 roommate -> 2 roommates -> 1 roommate -> NO roommate (every step involving more and more drama). switching realtors, giving up on realtors, making offers but not soon enough, a serious rollercoaster. now lets talk about the roaches that infested the trailer that i used to move, and then the infestation that happened in my couch, and then led to my new apartment, which i then had to spend my last pennies on bug bombs to de-roachify my place.... omg! and then when all is said and done the ex roommate refuses to pay the utilities becuase she thinks i have some of her silverware.... ugh.

so i have learned my lesson. beyond a shadow of a doubt - i will no longer participate in the blind trust of others, believing they are good people, when they are just taking care of themselves first before everyone else. i have never met people that have no respect for others property or just general morals to guarantee that what is done should be done correctly/morally/fairly. i know cultures crash and when you combine two worlds in one there are issues/conflicts/missunderstandings but i guess i just would have thought people would be able to still be adults and handle situations with a just and moral manner, but i have learned otherwise.

so this year my trust has gotten me - screwed out of $300 from downers grove roommate, married/divorced=screwed out of thousands, screwed out of $700 from a candy selling theiving kid, screwed out of $250 from aurora roomate, and now i am just starting over. i guess maybe some people learn on the first time around, but i guess it takes me a few more times to really get the memo that i need to be less trusting and more weary of people.

so here we are... lesson learned/unfriended/divorced/broke/annoyed/frustrated but STILL GOING! i know that i have gotten pretty close to defeat in the past few months but i refuse to be defeated. there is nothing i cannot do without god. and i know that some people will throw his name around and talk about being blessed or being god's child. but i really don't want to just talk about it. i want to be it. i want to be a daughter of god. one that when i walk into heaven he will say - well done good and faithful servant. but to get there i must be a good and faithful servant.

money is money - it is the devil. it will come and go. but the most important thing is staying above water (maybe even walking on it - lol). i really feel my faith being challenged here. do i believe that god will provide for me? yes. do i believe that the picture is bigger than this event? yes. do i believe that in the end we win anyway? yes. so why worry?

it is not my job to worry. it is my job to do what i am asked to do. i need to be tougher and stronger and studious.

i finished my summer class with an A. I start at NIU in the fall and this should be hectic. my schedule is pretty packed from 6a monday morning till 3p saturday afternoon starting the last week of august. and even up until then i will be working on my days off at my old pearle. so we will see how this all goes. i just need to make enough to survive and do what god wants me to do. i really feel i am on the right path and i can weather this storm. it's just one more chapter of my book (which i need to just finish btw).

so this week i am going to try to work on forgiveness, letting go, and just giving it to god. this is harder done than said and it might be my continued challenge for next week as well... lol.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

CH-CH-CH-CH-CHanges

So - there are lots of changes happening in my life currently and they are all for the best. Everything is happening so quickly and falling into perfect place. As I sit here on my couch and look around and bare walls and empty bookcases, I know that what is to come is amazing and enriching. I cannot wait for yet another new chapter of my life to start, and I am so very excited to be finally taking the steps that I have known for a while I needed to take.

I was at a family picnic on Sunday and my grandmother's husband, Jerry, was talking to me about life. He told me that I looked so very happy, and that he was glad. I guess I hadn't thought that I was ever noticeably unhappy, but others obviously noticed. And the more I think about all the reasons for wanting this change, I know that deep inside, it's to get a fresh clean start. I don't want to carry this with me, and I want to leave it all behind. I know that it will always be a part of me and my past, but it doesn't have to be a daily reminder.

Life takes funny twits and turns, mostly completely unexpected. Yet, we all seem to act like we know what is going on and as if we are in control of this craziness. I surely know that I don't want to own responsibility for most of the craziness that happens in my life, but I also know that there wouldn't be as much craziness if I weren't responsible for it all.

It takes some looking back on life and specific situations to analyze, or rationalize. But, we always are trying to force things into place, or make something out of nothing, or figure out what we want, instead of just letting be... I have learned a lot by just being. You can learn a lot about yourself and about others by just being, observing, sitting back and letting life flow and just riding it wherever it takes you. You would be surprised where things will go and how naturally things will happen in your life that you were previously trying to force into place.

People will eventually show you their true colors: do not be blinded by who you want them to be and just let them be who they are. IF it works, awesome, if not, move on.

Life is full of bumps, barricades, and unexpected occurrences: You will never be prepared, just be ready and go with it.

Love may be blind, it may hurt, it may be anything you want it to be in order to excuse away your actions, but at some point along the way you knew, and you chose to ignore the warning signs. Don't ignore the warning signs.

Honesty is the best policy: Even when it hurts. I knew what was right, and even though i knew it would hurt someone else, i had to do what was right for everyone and sometimes you have to be the "mean one" or the one that does the "right thing".

I have most recently discovered that the quantity of people you surround yourself with does not add value to the quality of life that you live. Just because you can stand someone or get along with them does not mean they should take a lead role in your life in any way shape or form. We were created to be together. In the beginning God created Adam, and Adam was lonely, so he gave Adam Eve. God created us to be relational creatures. But Adam and Eve were created from one another to be a part of one another, in order to symbolize that we cannot be separated, and we are meant to be one.

The changes that are occurring all around me are bringing me closer and closer to that oneness with the right man, and I am more and more excited for these changes as they come. I know that I am taking the steps to be closer to him and that is all that matters. Right now I just need to focus on that journey and let everything else fall into place. I have always been taught that if I am doing his will, then he will provide. So I know, I have faith, and I trust that this is truth. All of these changes will happen, and will be best and I am super excited to see what happens next!

Friday, June 29, 2012

Next Steps

It's been a while - everytime i think of something to say or write i don't have time to sit down and update, but i know i need to commit to doing this. Writing for me has always been a great healing tool and a phenomenal way for me to express myself. I know that with all the changes and life that is happening around me i need to be better at pouring it out instead of keeping it in.

Divorce is still in progress - something that should have been quick has turned into a long drawn out process for no reason. I would never say this process should be quick and painless becuase it pains me to be going through this, but i know it is for the best, for both of us. I know that I want something that he is not, and he wants something that I am not. And that really sums it all up. I really hope this process will speed up and it can just be finalized sooner rather than later.

I have completed 2 more semesters of school which puts me on a great path. I went to my NIU orientation yesterday - which was a drag btw, but i got through it. I think that i was not at all prepared for the news i received when i was there. All this time I have thought of what would be the best way to approach this school situation and I have been doing that for years. I have been taking online, or night classes or even early morning classes and working them around my work schedule. I have been busting my ass trying to get this done. And now - here i am just that much further behind. Realization of the week - advisors are only advising you for the college you are attending, they are not capable of advising you for the college you want to attend. And - even though they tell you what you should do and what is the best route to take, they do not really know what they are talking about. IE: my Waubonsee advisor told me to take EDU classes because i wanted to be a teacher. Little did she know that those EDU classes were useless to me at the university level towards my degree because they do not count towards univeristy degree. Also - good thing i did not take any clinicals - because i would have had to retake them at the university level anyways. So i got into a debate with the NIU college advisor regarding this and then i was told that i wasn't taking a good tone with her - then she got me lost - then i learned from my NIU major advisor that all the classes i need for my major are midday classes. Which, in turn means that i am not able to advance my career and my academics at the same time. O boy... to say the least it was an interesting day.

But - this led me to some soul searching and some life decision making. Had some dinner and some conversations, shed some tears, had some really great laughs, and then sat down and considered my options.

2 years ago I had a conversation with my brother in the car in a parking in Kansas City MO. This conversation basically led to a life decision that i have yet to follow through on. I know that my heart is in the 10 and that is where i need to be, yet i have not made that change. I know that my job is near the city, yet i commute every day. I know that i live where i live because it's hard to think of me being further away from my family and the kids when they need me. BUT - i also know that I have to do what i know is right and follow the path that i know i need to be on.

So - here we are - at another crossroads. How many times in my life have i found myself staring at 2 completely different options and had to make a life decision like this. So many times i have chosen the wrong path and it has taken me on a far journey away from where i need to be. The problem is - Trust. I really have a hard time trusting the idea that I will be okay if i cut back on work and focus on school. So i am experiencing an internal battle. I always thought that by the time i got to this juncture in the road i would not have to worry because i would have someone else to take care of me. But i know that is a silly ideal and i know that i need to focus on depending on myself and nobody else. Even so - that has led me to where i am now. I have become so self sufficient that the idea of depending on someone else to meet my needs is terrifying. I sat at the dinner table Wednesday night and discovered that ultimately my fear falls on security. I have become secure with myself and my finances. I have become comfortable with my home and my life - just skating along and not moving any mountains.

I stand at the base of this mountain with a shovel begging for a bulldozer to plow right through it. I know what i need to be doing, and i know where i need to be. I know that my passion is students and my goal/dream is to be in education. I know that i have not lived this life and experienced these things for nothing. I need to be doing something with it. I can not do anything with my experiences while sitting at a desk and computing numbers all day. I need to be on the academic path and that is where i intend to head.

A close friend told me wednesday that my full time focus and job should be school and everything else should fall behind that. This is such a scary ideal to me because i have been working most of my life. I have never just spent my full attention and energy on education - and the thought of allowing a career/job which provides my livelyhood to fall to the back burner is frightening. But nothing monumental in life has ever happened by sitting on the back burner. So this is what I intend to accomplish in the next 5 years.

Goals:
1- move to the 10
2- get involved at mission
3- stick with and continue on the academic path
4- finish my book
5- graduate from NIU with Major in English/Minor in Biology with a teachers cert.
6- get a teaching job in the 10 at a high school
7- be the woman that i am meant to be

so - here we go -

tonight i am looking at places in the 10. wednesday i went to orientation at NIU and last night i finalized my class schedule for fall semester. so we will see where this path leads and i will just keep writing.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Cleaning out the closet

So Saturday I was cleaning and organizing. I was moving stuff out and packing stuff that I didn't want inside my house. I came across some stuff and was surprised at how easy it was to just get rid of it. It's been a long 4 months and as every day has passed I feel more and more empowered, independent, happy, joyful, free.. I could just go on and on. I know this is a long healing journey, but the only thing I don't understand is the other party dragging you through the mud for no reason. What's done is done. But otherwise I just feel better.

The more and more I reflect and remember things from the beginning and all throughout that chapter of my life - I can't help but to wonder why? Why didn't I have the courage to just say no or walk away? If I had one message from this experience it would be love isn't everything but it is a great blinder. I don't know what else it is other than that.

But as I sat and talked to my sister today it was good just to smile and think about the future. Just to think about the possibility of sharing life with a positive person and not having to give up everything for a negative person.

If I could just go back to that first impression moment - I would recall the feeling of too good to be true. I would recall the feeling of friendship, but not desire for romantic relationship. But I allowed myself to get blinded... And so now here I am... Starting yet another new chapter in my life.

Some changes over the last few months: comanager at work got hurt, been managing the store short staffed for months, lived alone for a while, new roommate moved in, redecorated, started new semester at school, been to court 2 times, paid a 10th of the cost of my wedding for a lawyer...., but..... I'm saving money, planning vacations, getting straight A's, my store is up and doing well, I'm interviewing and hiring new staff, and I'm laughing every day, and excited to go to work, and come home, and see what's in store for me when I open my eyes. It's been a while since I have felt this good. Now if only I could make time for that gym membership I'm paying for- lol..

We will see what comes next ...