Thursday, December 29, 2011

A new begining

So - as i sit here and blog i wonder what life will bring. I know that it has not brought what I thought it would, but maybe i had the wrong idea. I guess it is true that you never know what is around the corner, you are not in control, and you cannot predict the future. Also - you cannot change someone else, you cannot make anyone do what you want them to do. Sometimes our plans for our lives do not align with the creators plans for our lives. Funny how we always try to convince ourselves that everything is OK even when deep down inside we know it's not. As i sit and look back at the last 25 years of my life i wonder - what was i thinking?! lol. This life has been full of craziness and fun, full of excitement and disappointment, full of adventure and bouts of boredom. And now i am over a 1/4 of a century old. So, realisitically speaking a quarter of my lifetime i have lived. What will i do with the next 25?

Around this time of year people are usually making ridiculous new years resolutions and trying to figure out how to better themselves for the next year. but realistically most people don't follow through on those resolutions and even if they try to don't last long. I'm not making new years resolutions. I'm just turning my life around.

I have gone back to school in an effort to finish my degree and get the job i really want to be in. I have joined the gym so that i can work out and stay healthy and not have the health problems that run in my family. I have worked my butt off so that when it comes time for me to rest i can say i put my fair share in and more. I have lived and loved and now it is time for me to let go.

My heart is heavy as i write this because today is the day i go meet with a lawyer. I don't know what will happen over the course of the next few months. I don't know what will happen over the course of the next year or two. But what i do know is that this is a new beginning and i won't make the same mistake again. Usually when things seem too good to be true they are too good to be true.

So i will listen to my friends and family better when they give advice. I will take to heart what they feel and have to say. I will not be as stubborn as I have been and i will get my pride in check. I have so much life left to live - I don't want to be complacent anymore. I don't want to be on the sidelines looking in. I don't want to look at other people and wish that was me. I don't want to regret. I don't want to feel trapped. I don't want to be anybody that i am not.

It took me so long to get to the point where i could love myself truly for who i am - some people may say that i am making selfish decisions, but i don't think that it is a selfish decision when it pertains to your spiritual, emotional, and mental well being. i think then it becomes a necessary life decision. So today starts the journey to the new life, the new beginning, and to making the necessary life decisions that i have to make.

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